Nothing But Iron: Roses are Red, and Why Wouldn't They Be? by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. November 18, 2006 (Alternative title: There is no i in No. 1) (Alternative title: There is no The in Ohio State University) When we landed in Chicago, on our return trip from Italy, I was greeted by a voice mail from my friend Brent Feller, of Cereal Rapids, Iowa, of black and gold clothing and of life-size Hawk statue in his living room. I knew immediately that the news was good for me, because the tone of his voice roughly approximated that of a kid whose hamster had just died. Got to give him credit: He was able to tell me both scores and offer a word of congratulations as well, as his voice trailed off forlornly. Sometimes life isn’t fair: I got to go to Italy and the Badgers won too. I watched the game on TiVo in a jet-lagged haze on Sunday. I woke up at midnight, ready for a cup of coffee, and again at 7:00 AM, craving a glass of red wine. I instead indulged in a bowl (there’s that word again) of Grape Nuts with white milk. Wisconsin-Iowa, as usual, was an exciting battle. Knowing the outcome in advance helped keep me from damaging the remote control. I had been told that Wisconsin didn’t play particularly well. Brent saw it differently: "On the contrary, they played the same way that all good Barry Wisconsin teams, and now Bret teams do when they win. Solid and not spectacular. Only 10-1 spectacular." I agreed. There were uncharacteristic defensive lapses, especially in pass coverage, and some scary turnovers, but there was much positive to celebrate, not the least of which was a breakout performance by back up QB Tyler Donovan. Some people said that P.J. Hill had a sub-par performance, but his role–tying up a disproportionate amount of Iowa’s defensive resources–was played perfectly. The idea of stopping Hill was a solid game plan that almost worked, however, it set the stage for Donovan to be a star in his first start. Donovan passed well, but it was simply too much for the Hawks to account for that, his running ability and Hill too. Barring a double-take, pinch-yourself-in-the-blank to make sure it’s not a nightmare, vomit-inducing upset by Buffalo today, the Badgers should be 11-1 by mid afternoon. I myself had offered an unsightly pre-season prediction that the Badgers would finish 7-5. Brother-in-law Doug said 8-4, and I teased him. I also made the comment that a record of (meaning as good as) 9-3 would be ridiculous. I guess it could then be said that this season has exceeded ridiculous, which feels pretty good. It would feel really good to next have a hearty debate about whether the Badgers should be seeded 4th or 7th in the NCAA Division I football playoffs, along with a lot of bitching by Big East or ACC fans about the Big Ten getting three out of 8 tourney bids. I could even accept the Badgers being unfairly excluded from the tournament. I would write about the morons on the selection committee, and how my team got ripped off, but I would quickly think back to the BCS and realize that imperfection is relative. Tonight’s game between Michigan and OSU is being billed as the True National Championship. It is not the true national championship, because no person of even moderate intellect would string those three words together in the context of major college football. Soccer has a true national championship. Fencing has a true national championship. Darts has a true national championship. Football has bowl games. It is fact that tonight’s winner will be the undisputed, undefeated champion of the Big 10. I acknowledge that as a major accomplishment. Of lesser significance, except to those who choose to be delusional, is the winner’s impending invitation to the most-coveted, meaning most-advertised of all the bowl games, The Tostitos Whatever Bowl, to be played in June after players have completed the last of their final exams. I am not slighting tonight’s winner, whose players have little control over the system imposed upon them by greedy out-of-shape old guys in wide business suits. Actually it’s not all the fault of greedy, old, widely-dressed guys, and that’s where this week gets really weird. This is the week when I have warm feelings for Tim Izzo, for whom I usually reserve words like yuck, and animosity toward Bielema, who is now the state’s most beloved sports figure since Barry the Statued Alvarez. Izzo, in a radio interview, was asked what he thought of the college football post-season. He derided the BCS and said the champion should be decided on the field. I have a whole basketball season to despise Izzo, but in that moment he was my ally and I felt a tremendous urge to not spit on him. Bielema, on the other hand, proclaimed his undying devotion to the bowl system. Bielema loves the BCS? What is that, the sequel to Julia Roberts meets Lyle Lovett? It’s a perplexing attraction indeed. How can a guy who is so intensely competitive not wonder how well his team stacks up to the nation’s purported elite? As long as coaches of high-profile programs continue to buy into the madness of the BCS, it will remain a festering boil on the butt of sports. Uncle. I give up, at least for another year or at least a few days. No more talk of that which will not be. In the battle between maybe No. 1 and maybe No. 2, not necessarily in that order, I am cheering for Michigan, for which I usually reserve words like yuck. Here is my rationale: Michigan has a better repetitive fight song just kidding. Michigan beats OSU. Suddenly there is confusion over which team is the real No. 2 team in the Big 10. Is it 11-1 Wisconsin or 11-1 OSU? The two will not have played each other, because that would have left must-play teams like Buffalo and Northern Illinois off the schedule. Most confused of all will be the Parade of Roses Committee, whose job it is to weigh, within the confines of arbitrary BCS restrictions, the relative economic merits of hosting various teams. In a close vote, they will choose Wisconsin knowing that the entire state, as well as a substantial population of still-loyal retirees from the Desert Southwest will come to fill the stadium and buy the goods of their sponsors, especially those who sell brewed things, especially if a California team is playing too. If a playoff berth is wishless thinking, the Rose Bowl by whichever sponsor, will be an acceptable consolation. OSU, on its way to the Capitol One Bowl will cry foul, but will eventually realize that nobody else really cares, because they are jealous that the Buckeyes have such a cool tradition of dotting the i in script Ohio State spelled out by OSU band players. Lastly, moving on to pro sports, there are predictions that the Packers, with home field advantage, might beat the Patriots and go on to make the playoffs. To that I reply, what home field advantage? Are people having flashbacks? If the Packers do win, then win again and again, I would be glad to reconsider the notion of a home field advantage in Green Bay. That’s no slight to the fans, who have been patient, faithful and loud on a consistent basis. P.S. It’s fun to see Brett Favre having fun. P.S. When the Packers have a winning record, we can talk playoffs. _______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. The author apologizes for not putting Thee in front of all references to Ohio State University. For thee record, he was referencing the (pronounced either tha or thee) one in Columbus and not one of the other inferior Ohio State Universities found in Ohio and in several other states. The word bowl is a registered trademark owned by Tostitos, Inc. The author actually forgives Coach Bielema’s shortsightedness in exchange for this fantastic season. ©2006 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.