Nothing But Iron: NothingButNets.net December 4, 2006 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. Alternative Title: There is No I(ke) in Team I am pretty sure that nothingbutiron.com never helped anyone save a life, unless maybe you studied my column on Advanced Cardiac Life Support in the spring of 1998. It’s not too late though. You could save a life if you wanted to by logging onto nothingbutnets.net and entering your credit card number. I got the idea from SI sportswriter Rick Reilly. I idolize Reilly, but not just because he is funny or insightful or courageous. Yeah, he is all of those things, but the characteristic that distinguishes him as royalty of the sportswriting profession is not so much the ways in which he analyzes the rants of a spoiled millionaire power forward, the sins of a steroid-tainted home run hitter or the triumphs of real heros, it is how he chooses to make a difference. Reilly found out that mosquitoes were causing a lot of problems in Nigeria, so he asked readers to donate money to buy mosquito nets. Turns out he has lots of readers, and in no time at all, over a million bucks came in. Mosquito nets are about ten dollars each, so that’s a lot of nets. You should know that Nigerian mosquitoes are not like our U.S. mosquitoes that cause itchy legs and disrupt pool side parties. Nigerian mosquitoes carry malaria, and thanks to the nets, a lot of kids are spared the fevers, vomiting, diarrhea, fatigue and muscle aches of that infection. By the way, those are the good outcomes. A lot of Nigerian kids die from malaria–3000 each day. I challenge you to follow the link and buy a mosquito net or two. I bought five, which is about 10% the cost of the Mosquito Magnet I bought several years ago. Feel free to match or best me. That way I too could be a sportswriter who makes a difference. (Send me a quick note if you contribute so I can keep score and report back to readers on how we did.) On to things that we think are important, but are not really important when we consider them in the context of malaria and dead children. Florida is in. That is good news, (ultimately) even for Michigan fans, because every bit of controversy is another bent staple barely scratching the surface of the BCS coffin. I used to say nail in the coffin, but I am kidding myself. When I see the experts on television, including our own Barry "BCSophile" Alvarez, enthusiastically telling us how each week of the BCS race is just like a playoff, I want to vomit all over someone’s statue because I know that most of the audience, which collectively represents the large mindedness of a college president, is eating it up like the last order of tortilla chips and guacamole. Oh, the excitement of not knowing which team is really the best! Best case scenario is that Ohio State will beat Florida by 7000 points and the whinings of Michigan fans will be legitimized (for a change), until about January 9, when basketball takes over and people start thinking about the bubble teams of February and the locks of March. How could Michigan fans ultimately benefit from Florida’s selection? Well, first off, they get to go to the Rose Bowl, and they will face a good PAC 10 team, but one not quite as good as 7-5 UCLA. It will be just like old times. Granted, it is not the storied Tostitos Bowl Purported National Championship Game, but a pretty good consolation prize. Mostly it is the Michigans of the future who could benefit if controversy leads to a critical mass of coaches and college presidents finally saying enough is enough: Stop the nonsense. Start the madness. In the unlikely event that Michigan, which typically struggles to recruit good talent, ever has another team as good as this year’s it could make a deep run in the tournament, and possibly a rematch against arch-rival OSU on a neutral field. I understand how hard it would be to hype that, but fans and sponsors would figure it out pretty quickly. History, however, suggests that Ohio State and Florida will probably have a good game. The winner, perhaps even Florida, if the weather in Arizona happens to be really hot, will be crowned champ. Prior to that there will be plenty of drama, suspense and excitement in the lesser bowl games. Cameras will overflow with Sportscenter substrate. Did you see that play? OMG, what a catch! Amazing! I can’t believe that! None of it need be meaningful to be good entertainment. A few people will join me in pointing out the inconsistencies and inadequacies, but most will be satisfied. Complacency and lunacy will prevail. At least some children will be saved by my nets. On to Wisconsin, who will face Arkansas, the 11th most-popular team in the country, in the Capitol One Bowl (COB) on New Years Day. Arkansas had better watch out, because the Badgers are so good, they can move up in the polls with out even playing anyone. In fact, depending on the poll, UW has moved up four to six spots since its last game, to No. 5 in the latest USA Today poll. It would not be out of the realm of possibilities that Wisconsin could supplant Florida or Ohio State by mid January, regardless of the result of the Corn Chip Shootout. Extrapolating a bit further, the Badgers could be the best team in the history of college football by late February. What’s not to like about that system? In an act of sheer hypocrisy I plan to support the soon to be No. 1 or better Badgers in person at the COB. I couldn’t help it. Kelly and the boys wanted to go, and her entire extended family is going, and there are no kids basketball games to miss, and I have fantastic partners who are trading and covering my call that weekend, and it’s about 150 degrees warmer in Florida right now, and I desperately need new t-shirts for my work wardrobe and, admittedly, it could be a very good game, especially if the Razorbacks don’t know we are missing our best cornerback. Shhhh. In short, circumstances rendered me a mere mental weakling. Speaking of mental weaklings and cornerbacks . . . Rankings are not the only things that change in the pre-postseason. For example, I won’t be cheering for Jack Ikegwuonu, UW’s shut-down defender. He won’t be there, unless the justice system does its job efficiently and proclaims him innocent of the charges of utter stupidity. Just say the words, Ike, and I will believe you. A single sentence will do: I am innocent. I will believe you because it is virtually impossible for anyone, even a college kid who is anatomically prone to stupidity, to be stupid enough to have achieved what you have achieved and then throw it away like some idiot thrill seeker bungee jumping from the top of the world with a yarn tether tied to his waist with a granny knot. It was said that Ike tried to steal an Xbox. What was he going to play, Madden NFL 07? That makes no sense. In a few years he could play, or could have played, depending on the outcome of the case, himself in Madden NFL 10. It’s so illogical, that I refuse to believe it happened. Besides being too stupid, nobody could be that selfish. After all, there is a whole team of teammates and tens of thousands of fans who count on someone covering the other team’s best receiver. Let’s get the investigation going, arrest the one-armed man with the wireless game controller in his jacket and get Ike to the COB so I can watch him steal the things he was meant to steal: passes and first downs from the other team. I save the best for last. My analysis of the Packers is not that, but I it leads to that. I was listening to sports radio guys talking about Green Bay’s problems, particularly with the run game. There were many theories that I won’t retell because you can generate your own with equal inaccuracy. Here’s how I see it: The problem with the Packers is that they keep playing teams that are a lot better than they are. That accounts for the low run production, low point output, poor defensive statistics and overall inability to win. The solutions are: 1) get a better team, or 2) play teams like San Francisco and Detroit. It is so good to have options. As luck would have it San Francisco and Detroit are up next. That means my preseason prediction that "the Packers will win five games easily" is such a lock you could and should bet your life savings on it. If Green Bay would happen not to beat one of these two teams, the Vikings await to make dreams come true. Unfortunately, the Packers usually split with the Vikes, and this meeting is at Lambeau Field, so there is home field disadvantage to overcome. The season ends against the Bears at Soldier Alien Field on New Years Eve. It looks like the Rex Grossman-led offense will try to make that an interesting game, but it will only be so if the entire Bears defense suffers a season-ending injury some time in the next three weeks. Come to think of it, that’s the first item on my Christmas list. The best-for-last is an article on Brett Favre in this week’s Sports Illustrated. Favre was hexed by the SI jinx in a 38-10 loss to the Jets Sunday, but it was worth it to read Jeff MacGregor’s article, Huck Finn’s Last Ride (Dec 4, 2006). I cannot write with eloquence enough to spoil MacGregor’s thunder by paraphrasing his work, so I will just tell you that this is MUST-READ, Pulitzer-quality sportswriting, whether you like the Packers or not. As most of you know, I do not share the must-go-but-will-miss-him-terribly ambiguity that MacGregor captures so well. Mine is an open invitation for Favre to play as long as he wishes, not because I know for sure he could lead the Packers back to glory, but because I know I would appreciate the beauty of watching him try. I acknowledge that I am part of an ever-contracting minority. _____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. ©2006 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.