Nothing But Iron: War of the Words by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. March 1, 2007 Greg Doyel, CBS Sportsline columnist who hammered the Badgers like we have not seen since the days of Dick Bennett, single-handedly lowered the standard for fair journalism by referring to seriously-injured Brian Butch as cryin’ Brian  (Click to read article )  Blows don’t get much lower than that. If you are a Badgers fan, you probably want to rip out Doyel’s throat, pour salt on it then grind it in your garbage disposal, however, I advise against this approach because it is illegal. O.K., you’re right, it’s illegal only if you get caught. Still, it’s not a risk I want to take. After all, we know a spineless Doyel can write, so leaving him throatless might not accomplish much. Instead, I have this reply: Bring it on, Baldy. Words like these will only serve to motivate those who are strong of heart and mind. I believe that Bo and his Badgers are strong of heart and mind, so motivation in any form is welcome. Maybe, Fatboy, you will end up right about the Badgers not being the best team in the country, but on April 2, after the playing of One Shining Moment, no matter what the Badgers are, you’ll still be Greg Doyel. How pathetic is that? Relative to athletes, sportswriters have it easy; they can spew out criticisms without divulging their qualifications to do so. I spent a little time researching Doyel’s credentials. Couldn’t find any, so I took my best guesses for the bio that follows. Greg Doyel, 5-8, 231, spent most of his athletic career reading books. He was adept at reading, but lacked the coordination to turn the pages by himself. His parents considered him bright, but that perception was flawed. At the age of 11 he finished One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish in just ten days. He was once chosen seventeenth (a personal best) in a neighborhood softball game. The kid taken last had a bad case of lice and a broken ankle. Greg loved to play checkers and had a lifetime record of 101-63 against younger opponents. He played one week of basketball in 5th grade, tripped on the time line and bloodied his nose, after which he was offered a spot as team manager. Though constantly bullied and ridiculed by players, fans, coaches and diminutive cheerleaders, Greg was one of the better managers the team had ever had, mostly because the team had never had a manager before. He became locally famous for his ability to hand out two towels at once. He could balance a cup filled with water 82.8% of the time. In 7th grade Greg tried soccer, but tripped on a clump of dandelions in the second game of the season and bloodied his nose. He soon became manager of the soccer team, where he again excelled at handing out towels. Throughout his life people told Greg he would never amount to anything and he set out to prove them right. He found he had a gift for criticizing others, thereby making himself feel more important. It was an illusion. Nobody took him seriously until he got a job managing shredded paper at CBSSportsline.com. One day he tripped on perfectly level tile and bloodied his nose. He sued the CBSSportsline.com and won. As part of the settlement, Greg was allowed to be a sportswriter. He has a nipple ring. A opposing scout’s view: Doyel’s malicious little fingers glide effortlessly across a keyboard, but on a field or court this dude is deceptively slow. Even before he moves, you know he will be slow, but once in motion, and I use that term loosely, you are stunned by how slow he actually is. Where most athletes have a six-pack, Greg has a half barrel. His dribbling and shooting confounds defenders because he is equally inept with either hand. When he throws, his body contorts grotesquely, making you want to avert your gaze. He does have an upside: With redundant layers of adipose and a vertical jump in double digits only by virtue of a decimal point, Greg is not likely to get injured. _______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. The author is certified by the State of Wisconsin to spew criticism. ©2007 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.