Nothing But Iron: Smitty’s Crystal Ball(s) September 1, 2007 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D. I was reading a Readers Digest article about the origin of common phrases. It turns out the phrase "the whole nine yards" originates from the length of the ammunition belts on fighter planes. I always thought it had to do with sewing, as in nine yards of fabric. When I mentioned it to Kelly she said, "I always thought it had to do with football." What’s not to like about Kelly? I have never been one for predictions. I will occasionally show up on time for a flight that will probably depart 45 minutes late. I will wear my raincoat or cancel a tennis match if the Doppler radar has lots of approaching color. But I think that my investment portfolio is a glorified form of gambling and that the 10-day weather forecast has the predictive value of a Magic 8 Ball. As for sports prognosticating, there is not likely a more inexact science this side of tea leaves and WMD detection. Moreover, I don’t need to make predictions about sports because everyone else does. That allows me to sit back and ridicule the factualated (coming soon to a dictionary or radio talk show near you) opinions of so-called experts. Having said that, every once in a great while, I run across a prediction that rises above all the others. Such is the case of Michael Smith’s e-mail summary of the upcoming Wisconsin Badgers Football and Tailgating season. I am confident you will agree that it is pure genius. If not, then I am confident you will wonder why or how Rita puts up with him. Without further yahoo, I present: Smitty’s Crystal Ball(s). Hey Fans, Been barraged lately with e-mails from around the Big Ten (actually 4) for the upcoming season, and what’s happenin’ re: tailgating. Thought is was time to respond a couple of these . . . Dear Smitty: Do you plan on tailgating this season?—Doug in Danville Dear Duh Dear Smitty: How do you see the season?—Gregory & Gloria Grimes, Minneapolis Dear Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts: Really glad you asked. Here’s my take on the home season: The first game is UW vs. UW, 9/1. The Washington State Cougars are coming to town, so I’m advising local mothers to hide their young sons. Don’t know much about the team, other than Tony Bennett’s done a nice job there. Supposedly they’ve got a high octane offense. They’re picked to go 6-6, starting with an L at Madtown. A Bruin friend (he’s not a bruin…just went to school there) said "Well, they’re a Pac 10 team, which means they don’t like to hit, be hit, play real football, but they’ll have nice tans." Badgers win, 42-7. Then I’ve gotta go out to Vegas. Cha-Ching….. Coming back, we’ve got the Citadel Bulldogs on September 15th . At the tailgate party, we’re going to re-enact the Civil War. You’ll recall, on January 9th, 1861 Citadel cadets stationed on Morris Island fired on the U. S. steamer, the Star of the West because the ship failed to supply Fort Sumter with troops and supplies. This was the first overt act of the Civil War, and I’m still steamed at those guys. Time for payback. Final score: Bucky: 186 Bulldogs: 1. We will fire on their bus as they leave. Next up…..the Iowa Hawkiii. They’re large, ugly, smelly, scary and hairy.....and that’s just their cheerleaders. Night game, so rest up. The Hawkiii will finish the season 9-3, but they’ll also lose in Madtown, 42-7. A week later, the Wolverine rejects from E. Lansing come to town. They’re playing us early in the season, so most of their players won’t be locked up yet. Mish State will finish the season 4-8, and also lose in Madtown, 42-7. Then we’re on the road for awhile, which is a good chance for some R&R. Back 10/20 against that powerhouse from DeKalb, Northern Illinois. Little know fact, but their Meteorology School has one of the oldest undergrad programs in the country. Although their team is crappy, the players will be appropriately dressed for any weather. UW in a nail-biter, 42-7. The week after, it’s homecoming vs. Indiana. This is an 11:00 a.m. game, so set your alarms. Indiana still stinks, will finish the season 5-7, and also lose in Madtown, 42-7. As most of you know, the Big Ten was considering adding a 12th team recently. There’s also been discussion about getting it back down to 10 teams. They’d do this by merging Indiana and Michigan State into one team. At press time, they were working on the mascot and team colors. Then, the biggie! Our last home game (11/10) is against the baby blue & pale lemon yellow losers from Ann Arbor. They start the season against powerhouse Appalachian State. If they can get by the Mountaineers, they could be ok. Actually, they’ll go 11-1, but you guessed it……they’ll lose in Madtown. With National Championship ramifications on the line, Bucky wins 24-12. I realize I shouldn’t make fun of the Wolvies due to their recent tragedy on campus. Apparently, a fire broke out in the players dorm, destroying 30 books in the process. The real tragedy was 15 hadn’t been colored yet. Question: What does the average U Michigan football player get on his SAT? Answer: Drool. Question: How do you make U Michigan cookies? Answer: Put them in a big BOWL and beat for 3 hours. Oh yeah……and while we’re bashing UM, how ‘bout their terrific fight song. Probably never hear it in Madison, 'cuz they only get to play it when they score, but here's the lyrics to the gem... Hail! To the victors valiant Hail! To the conqu’ring heroes Hail! Hail! To Michigan, the champions of the West Louis Elbel put this drivel on paper in 1898. Louis, a well noted drama queen in his day apparently wasn't so hot with G-E-O-G-R-A-P-H-Y. Dear Smitty: Any chance me and my buds can crash your t-gate?—Dan, Dean, Devon, Dirk, and Irene from Davenport. Dear Irene with the Double D’s: While you sound like very delightful "salt of the earth" simple folk from Iowa, I think you’ll be much more comfortable at another party the University is throwing for you and your fans that day. It’s a reunion at the stock pavilion, and will give you a great chance to mingle with many of your cousins. Dear Smitty: I’m confused as to when you’re going to start your tailgate parties each week.---Tired of being late—Coach B. Dear Coach B: With different starts each week, and some games TBA, we’ll make it easy for folks like you. We decided it’s most logical to start all tailgates at the same time--7:00 a.m. For some games (Iowa, 7 p.m.) the party will last a long time. The tailgates are again in Lot 16 (Behind Stadium Bar), same place as the last 4 years…. There will be loud music, flashing lights, grills……..and elephant rides (weather permitting). See ya soon…… Go Badgers! My favorite was Smitty’s synopsis on The Citadel, also known (analogous to a certain The Big Ten school) as Citadel University, not to be confused with rival Citadel State University. I wondered how much of that so-called history was based on fact and how much was fabricated, but then I considered the source and realized it would be a waste of time to search the topic for corroborating evidence. My prediction, from a guy who doesn’t predict, is that it would turn out to be minimally factual with ample confabulations of literary convenience, which is precisely why I enjoy his writing. Time to go now. I have to pack for Smitty’s tailgate, and for the first game of the NCAA Division I college football playoffs. I agree with Brett Bielema’s 1-0 mentality, as long as he acknowledges the obvious title-dashing calamity of any team that goes 0-1 against any opponent during any week during the season. Long live the BCS. And remember, the C is silent™. (That phrase™ coming soon to an NBI designed t-shirt™ near you or that could be near you for the low low price of big bucks.) September 1, besides being the first day of football we care about, also marks opening day of the fall sportswriting season. I apologize in advance for any lapses, inadequacies, TMDs (typos of mass destruction) or other failures to meet reader expectations, however, I remind you that in exchange for license to exercise laxity when it comes to editing, proofreading and self-imposed writing deadlines, this publication doesn't cost you a penny, and never will, not that I would necessarily predict that. ______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column that some people call a blog, which is really a weird name to call anything. The author is very appreciative of Smitty’s contribution, which is reprinted with permission. This issue is dedicated to the following people with recent or upcoming birthdays: Brent, Rick, Eric, Cheryl, Bruce, Ken, Char, Mike, Mom and Son Patrick, as well as all others who had or will have birthdays this year. ©2007 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.