Nothing But Iron: A Dish to Pass by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. December 11, 2007 Satellite satellite in a dish. How many channels do you wish? –adapted from a childhood rhyme. I ordered my satellite dish from Direct TV (DTV). Just after I got off the phone with the DTV sales rep I noticed an unopened e-mail from mid-November. It was a reply to my last column from brother Bruce. Not that I am a specialist in the field of televison or satellite tv, but I can tell you one thing. I was a loyal customer of Dish Network for 6 years. I left this season because of the NFL Football package which I thoroughly enjoy. However, Dish Network is by far the best Sat TV service available. It is not even close. DirecTV is the single most retarded service ever. Everything from the way the menus are set up to the way the remotes function to the way I have to reset my receiver occasionally and the TiVo features, to the way I purchase programming is so much smarter with Dish. I thought there would be no discernable difference and that DTV was actually a much better product-but nothing could be further from the truth. If Dish ever gets the NFL contract I will leave in a heartbeat. I know this will mean very little to Kelly, but you can let her know the DTV dish is almost rectangular in shape and the Dish is perfectly oval. No BS. It really is. In a phone conversation, Bruce also told me that DTV had actually given him a DVR that was one generation behind the most up-to-date model. It took him three phone calls in the span of a week to get them to replace the older, less reliable device. He said the new box works fine, but was not pleased with the hassle factor. Just to keep the discussion balanced, the DTV rep assured me that his company has higher customer satisfaction than its competitor. "Yeah, we get a lot of people who were unhappy with Dish." I meant to ask him if that was an unbiased opinion or one linked to his commission, but I forgot. Before continuing my satellite story I have to clue you in on Bruce’s reference to the shape of the dish. We recently purchased a hot tub and had sought Bruce’s input, since he designs and builds pools and spas for a living. We had our eye on a round tub, but it only had 16 jets. Bruce was insistent that we needed at least 30 jets, also known as a squadron, but only the square models, often referred to as aircraft carriers, had that many. The round spa fit our patio design better so, after much bantering, we threw caution and our expert’s opinion to the water filter in favor of the curvelinear aesthetic supported by the Association of Stylish Patios and Spas. In part the decision was justified using a television analogy: If you never see television in high definition, you think your low definition set is just fine. So, if you own a square spa with 30 jets, don’t bother inviting us for a soak, because we aren’t coming. Other than a few expected retaliatory electronic jabs, Bruce was pretty good natured about our contrary decision, which was impressive, since the round tub purchase was probably the equivalent of me telling him to cut down on saturated fats and him saying, "Sounds good. Please pass the french fries." Back to the dish saga. I saw Bruce’s note and immediately kicked myself, which hurt, but not badly enough to require a hot tub session. It will be fine, I thought, unconvincingly. Bruce said so too: If you have never had Dish, DTV will be just fine. Besides our good friend and advanced technophile, Terry Hart has DTV and fully endorses it. Still, the days passed and the decision still bugged me for these reasons: 1) Bruce has the unique perspective of having one service and having recently had the other. 2) Like Bruce, I put a premium on common sense, efficiency and gadgetry that works well. 3) The oval dish is recommended by the American Association of Dish, Plate and Silverware Designers. Still, DTV did have better NFL access, more high-definition channels and an all-inclusive NCAA hoops tourney package called Mega March Madness (MMM). But there’s the catch: I don’t need any of those things. I want what I have now, plus the Big Ten and NFL Networks. I barely have time to watch the one NFL game each week that matters, I care a lot about high-definition TV about three times a year and I won’t buy MMM because I fear that the excitement of finally seeing the entirety of a 16 seed beating a 1 would not make up for the detriment of compromising my nightly six hours of sleep, unless the beaten 1 is Marquette, then I will wish I had MMM. I know some of you are wondering about price, and after hours of painstaking research, I can say with certainty that I am not really certain which service is cheaper, mostly because there are so many different levels of service. You want HD? DVR? HD DVR? 100 channels? 250 channels? Premium channels? Premium channels with a kadonkadonk butt? The charges, discounts, credits, rebates and special pricing for this bell or that whistle read like one of those Explanation of Benefits summaries from your health insurance company. I thought the DTV rep did a slightly better job of explaining what I would pay per month and why, but I can’t give you a direct financial comparison without going back to finish the last six years of the economics doctorate that I never started. I am 89.4% sure that both satellite services are cheaper than cable, and 100% sure that both offer the channels I want. DTV sent me an e-mail summary of my order along with the terms of the agreement. I am one of seven non-attorneys in the entire country who actually read agreement terms, but sometimes it pays off. I was relieved to see that I had the option of a full refund if I cancelled prior to installation. So I cancelled. I guess that makes me one of the DTV’s least loyal customers ever. Tomorrow or the next day or the next I will order up a dish of Dish. By the way, I see from a State Journal report that Charter and the Big Ten are back at the negotiating table. I was asked what I might do if Charter announces it will offer BTN before I get signed up with Dish. I doubt they will reach agreement, but I may well dump Charter anyway, just so they know that I care that they don’t really value me as a customer. ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. Comparative information about satellite television services contained in this publication is for entertainment purposes only, and is not intended to influence the programming selections of the reader, even though it probably will anyway. According to made up statute Wis145.07, it is "not the author’s fault if the reader does exactly what the author did and hates it." The author apologizes to Debra and Terry for rescinding the $50 referral credit that they almost got before the author quit DTV. The author will make it up to them by bringing a seemingly expensive bottle of port when he comes over to watch Davidson play Butler in the third round of Mega March Madness. ©2007 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.