Q: Do you think that the A-I technique gives you an advantage because you know the questions ahead of time?
A: If you want to talk about the game, I will talk about that . . . just kidding. I don’t think there is much advantage, because I really have no idea what I am going to ask myself until I actually ask it.
Q: Oh.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: Oh, how would you rate Super Bowl XVII?
A: It was one of the best football games I have ever seen.
Q: Is that because you hate the Patriots, or at least Randy Moss?
A: No. I am pleased that Randy did not get his ring. I hope he never gets his ring. I rate this Super Bowl so highly for its drama, and for the fact that I got pulled into the vortex of its conclusion. For those few minutes during the Giants’ winning drive, I was a Giants fan. The Patriots were legitimately one of the best teams ever to play in the NFL and the Giants beat them in utter defiance of logic.
Q: You don’t like Moss because he caught a lot of passes against the Packers and he wiped his butt on the goal posts at Lambeau, right?
A: I actually thought the goal post thing was pretty funny. The passes, not so. But there have been players who have beaten the Packers, yet earned my respect–John Elway, Barry Sanders, Brian Urlacher to name a few. I admit I don’t know Moss personally, but to me he personifies all that is wrong about professional sports–trade me to a good team or I will quit trying. I acknowledge his talent, but I don’t respect his character and I take much satisfaction in his loss. I have nothing against the other Patriots.
Q: Do you want to share your pre-game prediction with your readers?
A: No. But I will: Patriots by two or three touchdowns. It’s not what I wanted to happen. It’s just what I believed would happen. Maybe the Patriots believed it too, but I will not steal from the glory of the World Champions by suggesting they won by underestimation.
Q: What do you think about Plaxico Burris’s Namathean 23-17 prediction now?
A: I guess you are only an idiot if your prediction fails. Now he looks like a savant and Tom Brady looks like the idiot for thinking an offering of 17-points was a slight. I am amused that Burris actually sold his defense a little short.
Q: Your Boston friend, Charles Schulman, asked why you had not written anything about his Patriots. Why is that?
A: Actually it isn’t true. I have written about the Patriots, just nothing insightful, because I don’t follow them like I do the Packers. New England is an amazing organization. Belichick is a genius. He’s surly, but geniuses are entitled to be surely. I had already written most of a glowing nine-page tribute to the Perfect Patriots, but they spoiled it by losing, so I shredded it, kind of like the New York defense shredded the Pats o-line. To put it in deep sea fishing terms, I guess the fight only matters if you actually get the fish into the boat. Great season anyway? Some might see it that way, but the Patriots have accomplished just about everything in this decade. A guy who has three BMW’s doesn’t want another BMW, he wants a Bentley. Only perfection eludes the Patriots. I’ll bet that really bothers them. Wes Welker is an absolute inspiration. I was so impressed by the story of his meager beginnings and by his Super Bowl performance. If they had a couple more Welkers, 19-0 would have happened. I do hope he gets his ring someday.
Q: You say Belichick is a genius, but isn’t he really just a cheater?
A: I suppose he could be both. Maybe he’s just a genius at cheating and his players aren’t really that good. But who knows what is true and what isn’t? Who knows what other teams are doing? Regardless, I don’t condone cheating, because it is a form of weakness, and it prevents one from having a true measure of success. My question is this: Isn’t cheating for the Patriots overkill? If any team doesn’t need to cheat, wouldn’t it be that one? I think there are a lot of geniuses who fail to understand simple logic.
Q: You have been an outspoken critic of government involvement in certain aspects of sports. It has been reported that New England cheating controversy may go to a senate judiciary committee. Do you think that makes sense?
A: Let’s just put it this way; if Senator Specter dropped his pen and bent over to pick it up, I would give him a swift kick in the ass. I cannot imagine there would not be more pressing issues for our elected officials to deal with than pro football teams spying on each other. Hey, I just thought of a better name than Spygate: New England Scam Chowder.
Q: You wouldn’t really kick a senator, would you?
A: Well, I value my freedom too much to actually assault anyone, but I might ask him why it is not embarrassing that my two teenagers prioritize better than a United States senator does.
Q: Does the Giants Super Bowl win make the Packers loss in the NFC title game better or worse?
A: Better I think. It is always good to know you lost to the eventual Champion. I know the score was close, but I thought New York was quite a bit better than Green Bay.
Q: Are you suggesting that the Packers would not have beaten the Patriots?
A: Yes. It is unprovable, but I cannot say we would have matched up with the Pats as well as the Giants did.
Q: Do you think that "Giants" is offensive to large people?
A: Offensive is a little strong, but I do think it is insensitive. Image how you would feel if you were 7-4, 412 and someone considered you a mascot.
Q: First of all it would feel a little claustrophobic, but I think that would be kind of cool to have a team named after me.
A: Yeah. I guess it would.
Q: There was much discussion about Belichik leaving the game early. Do you agree that it was a worthy controversy?
A: No offense to morons and idiots, but if I was a moron or idiot I would think it was a big deal worth lots of discussion on sports radio. I don’t care at all. I think it would have been poor form had Belichick snubbed Tom Coughlin’s post-game handshake, but for all practical purposes he did not. One of the Sports Boobs on local radio made a big deal about it, which was not out of character.
Q: Which was better NYG-NE or OSU-LSU?
A: Which was better spaghetti with meat sauce or the cardboard box that the pasta came in? I give thanks to the gods of competition that pro football, which is no stranger to the ways of expensive enterprise, has a legitimate championship. Imagine what gems lie buried in the ruins of the college bowl system. Think about it; had the BCS managed the Super Bowl, New England would have finished 17-0, beating Dallas in a hypo-climactic finale that failed to live up to contrived expectations. Three weeks ago New York would have finished its season against Tennessee in the Pontiac Silverdome’s Kraft Easy Mac Bowl before a crowd of 34,229 people.
A: But aren’t you just beating a dead horse with more BCS criticism?
Q: No, I beat the rider who refuses to get off of his putrid, decomposing horse because he cannot be convinced it is dead.
Q: If you could pick one Super Bowl personality to be for an hour, who would it be?
A: Archie Manning. Imagine how proud he must be of his Super Bowl MVP boys. I would never trade my own boys for his, but it might be kind of fun to be a double MVP dad for an hour. Randy Moss is a close second, because I would know for sure how truly awful he feels about losing the Super Bowl, and that would be fun too.
Q: You ever gonna cover basketball again?
A: Yes. And I can hardly wait.
