Absolute Zero

Nothing But Iron: Absolute Zero

Another Stinkin’ Auto-Interview that Kelly Doesn’t Like

by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W.

February 28, 2008

Q: You do still speak basketball, don’t you?

A: Sí.

Q: So, anything you wanna say about basketball?

A: Can we talk about cheating first?

Q: How about Kelvin Sampson? That will cover both.

A: Good idea. In fact you astrophysicists out there (Wolffy, Feller) probably recognize that the title of this issue is especially appropriate for Sampson. I borrowed the idea from the ancient days of college chemistry and physics. There is a temperature scale, whose use is restricted to nerdy scientists, called Kelvin. It’s the sophisticated cousin of Fahrenheit and Celsius. I won’t bore you with details of molecular oscillations, but I remember that 0 degrees Kelvin is also known as absolute zero. That’s why I grin whenever I hear the coach’s name on the radio. Goes to show you that you never know when some esoteric fragment of knowledge may actually prove useful.

Q: Did Sampson get what he deserved?

A: If you mean $750,000 in parting gifts, no. That is an atrocity. I miss the days when someone could just be out on his ass for a job poorly done. If you mean joblessness, then, yes, he got what he deserved. True, I don’t know the guy. Maybe he is an idiot savant like Bill Belichick, but until someone convinces me otherwise, he’s just an idiot. Belichick took a calculated risk cheating in the NFL, which by policing standards is like one of those plastic-badged security guards driving around in pretend cop cars. The NCAA is more like the CIA or maybe even Gestapo. The NCAA knows where you buy your shoes and what you paid for them. How could Sampson think he wouldn’t get caught making illegal calls to recruits?

Q: Did IU do the right thing getting rid of him?

A: Definitely. It did what it had to do. To keep Sampson would have crippled the basketball program. What reasonable kid would go play for a two-time dirty coach?

Q: Does anyone win in all of this?

A: The guy who gets Sampson’s job. And Gordon-deprived Illini fans. I can understand why this would make them happy, especially since they don’t have much else to be happy about this season.

Q: Did you foresee the Badgers being where they are today?

A: Of course. In November I wrote that I would be surprised if UW had more than one conference road loss by February 28.

Q: Seriously?

A: No. Thirteen conference wins. That’s amazing, even in a down Big Ten year, which we won’t know is true until late March. With Ryan-coached teams you have to allow for the possibility of success. I can’t say I expected the Badgers, after losing 400 points a game (something like that) in offensive production after the graduation of Tucker and Taylor, to be in control of the standings with just three games left. I like this year’s team even better than last year’s. And that team won 30 games. This team is more balanced. More blue collar. Shares better. And so much less schizophrenic. We know almost every game will be a hard-fought, closely contested battled. We know that five or six guys will contribute to the cause. I like that any one of five guys could be the leading scorer for a game. How hard must that make it for other teams to prepare?

Q: By blue collar you mean big, slow and rough?

A: Well, it can mean that, and the Badgers can be that, but I guess I mean hard working and mentally tough. But they surprise you with their finesse from time to time. A flashy dunk or ridiculous three or behind the back pass. It’s not all bricks and mortar, but it doesn’t matter how. I learned back in the Bennett days that winning is the biggest thrill.

Q: “losing 400 points a game in offensive production”–you’re making fun of something, right?

A: Good ear. I am amused every time the TV guys talk about that, which is pretty much every time a Wisconsin players scores. It discounts an obscure basketball rule that allows players on subsequent teams to score. Over the years Wisconsin has lost thousands of points in offense and somehow it has managed to field teams. Looking at it another way, with Tucker and Taylor gone there are a lot more shots to go around.

Q: Who’s your favorite player?

A: Michael Flowers, with Joe Krabbenhoft and Jason Bohannon running close seconds. Imagine where we would be if Flowers had actually left the program (as some rumors projected) earlier in the year. Imagine where he would be. I am impressed by the toughness of these three players. They are prototypical finishers, the guys you must have on the court at the end of a tight game. I like Brian Butch too, and he has finally established himself as a finisher in the eyes of Bo Ryan. Lucky bank shot three aside, I have yet to be convinced that he’s one of the five I want out there at the end, but I am happy he is having a solid season.

A: I am not sure yet, but I am more convinced that he is worthy each time I see him do something amazing. His stock is rising for sure. It’s so hard to know how the NBA teams look at players. I thought Alando Tucker could be productive, but he’s hasn’t been able to break through. At least Tucker is rich. UW guards have done better than bigs. On that note, I hear they are trying to convert Tucker into a guard. He was a guard in high school.

A: I was so impressed by what Purdue did at the Kohl Center. Not happy, but respectful. This is a multi-dimensional team. They hit from outside, from mid-range and dribble penetrated marvelously. I was most wowed by how quickly Purdue’s shooters released the ball. It’s a much different look than our deliberate shoot-if-you’re-open process. Theirs is an expect-to-be-open mentality. They know they will shoot before they even catch the ball. I would like to blame the loss on our guys or on the officials, but that wouldn’t be fair, with the possible exception of the turnovers. You can’t give a team like that many extra possessions and hope to win. Purdue is a championship-worthy team that I would not want to face in the big tourney.

A: Big game. Good team. When I look at their players and stats I wonder why they don’t have a better conference record. You have to figure that any loss now puts a team out of the title race. That’s good pressure in preparation for the March tourneys. Purdue and Indiana each have one loseable game on their schedules, but I wouldn’t count on both of them losing another game. One thing that helps the Badgers is the knowledge that they are not unbeatable in the Kohl Center. I suppose that could help the Spartans too.

A: It wasn’t a seamless transition, but it works well enough. The DVR is usable, but TiVo absolutely flat out kills it. If Direct TV’s DVR is worse than this, I am thrilled I didn’t get that. TiVo’s user interface is much cleaner and user friendly, and I miss it. Oh, and the remote is a lot more sensibly designed. For me the biggest advantage of TiVo is that I can watch a game in high speed and slow it down when I spot a good play. Can’t do that with the Dish DVR. The slowest fast forward speed is too fast to be able to see the plays. TiVo is far superior in ease of setting up recurrent recordings (Season Passes). I am sure some of it is a function of learning a new system, but TiVo was better. I may get a second high definition television, which my 15 year-old says I don’t need. (He’s right.) I will then look into getting a high definition TiVo DVR to attach to that Dish HD receiver.

Q: Could it be that the fast forward speed is fine and your brain is too slow?

A: I do like having access to the UW games, and I the message my conversion sent to Charter, but 250 channels reminds me of how little time I have to actually watch television. Worth it? In some ways it’s an upgrade, but it probably falls into the category of about 100 other things I own which are not really worth what I paid for them. I suppose I would do it the same way again, just to get access to UW games.

A: Probably not. Kelly doesn’t like them. She said she couldn’t get through the last one. She is brutally honest, and that may be why I married her. I thought to tell her she wasn’t applying herself, but I figured she’s probably a good barometer of the readership at large, and I want to give my constituents what they want so they will vote for me in the primaries or secondaries.

Here’s one last funny thing, and easy to read too because it’s not a question or an answer. I heard the voice of President George Bush on the radio. He said he was concerned about the economy. “I'm concerned about working Americans, concerned about people who want to put money on the table . . .” That immediately lifted my spirits because I knew he was concerned about my brother Bruce, who travels to Laughlin and Las Vegas several times a year for that very reason--to put money on the table. I called Bruce that minute and told him our president is concerned about him. Bruce was so happy he laughed. The President should know, however, that Bruce is a pretty good gambler, so a lot of times when he puts money on the table, he gets more back. The president need not be that concerned. Bruce observed that the economy in Las Vegas and Laughlin is fine. How’s that, Kelly? Oops. Sorry. That was a question.

Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. For questions, answers or comments about this issue, please contact the author by telephone, but please do so discretely just in case it’s an NCAA violation. This issue is dedicated to all of our wonderful friends who helped in so many ways after Kelly’s surgery. ©2008 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.