Nothing But Iron: A Lone Star State September 26, 2008 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. Sorry I didn’t get this out sooner. I suspended my sportswriting campaign in order to help Kelly balance the checkbook. We were a little bit behind on reconciling cancelled checks, but the good news is that we are not about to give $700 billion to proven poor-risk clients who deserve it only slightly less than they deserve trips to the wood shed. Speaking of Kelly, she’s in Tucson at the USTA National Tennis Tournament. Her team, Venus Envy, plays against New York in the opening round today at high noon. It will be 90 degrees, but they say it’s a dry heat because that’s what you say about the heat in Arizona. I did a Wiki search for dry heat. It means that it is so damn hot your body refuses to sweat as a form of protest. I told Kelly to drink plenty of fluids because that’s what you say when a non-native goes outside in the Arizona midday. I said it in case it wasn’t obvious to her to drink fluids when it’s 90 degrees and she is very thirsty. And by the way, 90 for Tusconites is like a wind chill of 30 (above) for us icelanders. Picnic weather. I was honored that Kelly asked for my advice before she left, but it was not about tennis. "How do I blog?"she asked as if she were changing a tire for the first time. The Wisconsin USTA web site asked Kelly to submit daily blog entries so we can follow Envy’s progress as it contends for the Ultra-Super Tennis Lady Tri-Wizard Cup. I told her blogging is a lot like sending e-mail to a friend. I then reminded her that I am actually a "sportswriter" as opposed to a mere "blogger." Yeah, right. You can follow Kelly’s progress here . . . well not here, because I can’t find the link. The USTA Wisconsin web site is not well organized because the people who run it would rather be out playing tennis, which we tennis playing sportswriters understand. I will report back when the first entry is posted and discoverable. USTA veteran Michael Smith offered these words of whizdom on the evening of Kelly’s departure: How exciting. Wish you could take me along as your trainer/therapist/masseuse/cabana boy/banker. Some brief advice based upon my experience at nationals … umm … regionals ….. umm ... state … ok, just some advice: If it's close, it's OUT. We're not there to make new friends. Hit your opponent whenever you can…starting in warmups. Put your Gatorade in Miller beer bottles. That freaks them out on change overs. Use lots of meaningless signals. Wear black eye pitch. Don't wear any. . . whoops, never mind. I think he was going to say, "don’t wear any underwear", but that only works in mixed doubles. On Saturday Envy plays Philly and Texas. The Texas match is most important; it’s a chance to avenge Green Bay’s loss to the Cowboys. Moving almost seamlessly on to football . . . I went to Lambeau for that game for myself. Great crowd as always, which just didn’t matter. The first half was competitive, especially if you appreciate field goals, but feared early on that the offensively deep, as opposed to the deeply offensive Cowboys of years past, would eventually wear the Packers down. Dallas is as good a team as I have seen in Lambeau, at least since January 18. And who the hell is Miles Austin, besides a guy with two last names? Austin is Tony Romo and Marion Barber and Jason Whitten, Felix Jones and T.O. That’s who. With all those weapons to track Gary Coleman would have scored at least once. I don’t mean to diminish Miles’s accomplishments, but this offense is LOADED. History tells us, however, that one need not necessarily beat the Cowboys to have a successful season. I don’t know how they will lose, but I have tremendous faith in that which is unknowable. My hope now is that the injury bug, whose infestation is now well established, will soon complete its life cycle: lay its eggs on some unsuspecting opponent then die. The outlook, which, thankfully, has any number of ways to be flawed, is not promising. Oregon State beat USC. (And you thought Ohio State’s credibility could not fall any further.) So, does anybody now think that Wisconsin can’t lose to at Michigan tomorrow? Show them the tape, Coach B! Remember, the rankings are an artificial, meaningless contrivance fabricated by people whose expertise, not unlike my own, is in making stuff up. The rankings don’t take into account intangibles like youth, anxiety, complacency, motivation, cooperation and dumb luck. This is Michigan. Michigan at Michigan. Michigan the underdog. Is that not a challenge? If unprecedented disrespect can fail to motivate the Wolverines, then I say the Big Ten has crossed the threshold of a new era, one in which fans of the Big Two look fondly on the good times of days gone by. My brother-in-law, Doug, begged me for "just a paragraph" about the Ryder Cup. I am sorry to report that I had to read about it first. It’s not that I don’t care, because I do. In fact I own a flag, know the all the words, in order, to the Star Spangled Banner and I recite the Pledge of Allegiance before I pick tomatoes. Analogous to the Olympic Games Basketball triumph of recent history, this was a great team win. The biggest difference is that the Americans were substantial underdogs in the Cup, with all of Europe’s players in the top 50 on the PGA tour. There is much from the excitement of the 2008 Ryder Cup that would have held my interest, had I more sedentary time to offer the event, but most striking is Paul Azinger’s masterful organization of the U.S. redemption. Azinger is the Mike Krzyzewski of golf. The side-by-side comparison to Nick Faldo, the European captain, is a fascinating study in human motivation and management. There you go, Doug. Since we last convened, the Brewers awoke. Though I felt like a bit of a cheater, I watched the Sportscenter replay of Ryan Braun’s grand slam in the bottom of the tenth inning to keep the Crew tied with New York for the wild card spot. I have to admit, I got chills watching it. I may, especially if the presidential debate falls through, try to pick up the final few innings of tonight’s game against the evil Cubs, who can become a whole lot less evil if they could spot us a couple games this weekend. I feel as if my recessive baseball fan gene is about to be expressed. Did I hear correctly that Lance Armstrong will play for the Jets next year? I went to a dahlia show. Yeah, there no possible segue to get from sports to this. Now before you judge that, hear me out. First of all, I grow dahlias because they look cool, especially from a photographic standpoint. Cool colors; cool sizes; cool patterns. I am a photographer. Second, I rode my bike there. Hard. I was sweaty and probably smelled bad. Third, I went there to tap the knowledge of experts in order to get a competitive edge on the voracious Japanese beetle. Competition is manly. Fourth, women are impressed by dahlias, which is far more attainable than getting women to be impressed by men. Fifth, I kept my sun glasses on the entire time. Fourth, I knew for sure I would not run into any of my friends there, making it a low-risk diversion. Sixth I had no way of anticipating that Kelly, the only one I told, would blurt out at the dinner table, "Honey, how was the flower show?" Connor, in mid bite, turned and stared. "Dad, you went to a flower show? Minus 5 man points!" Hell, I grow flowers, so it’s not like I sit around worrying about my man-point supply. I was able to get two points back when I replied, "Dude, chicks dig flowers." Now you can judge. ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column written by an amateur sportswriter. The author, who has been spending some serious compensatory time cussing, spitting, working on his car and generally being insensitive, apologizes for having attended a dahlia show even if it was for the right reasons. ©2008 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.