Nothing But Iron: Hard to Hate Penn State by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. October 12, 2008 Besides being a hell of a good team, the best thing about Penn State is that it is not Michigan or OSU. Granted, State’s season–unlike that of the Badgers–is young, with further definition to come, but a new twist on Big 10 supremacy would be a welcome arrival for anyone who doesn’t care that maize is a kind of yellow or insist you add a The before the name of his ever-arrogant alma mater. Beyond that, it is hard to hate a team that wears white, has no names on its jerseys, doesn’t taunt, celebrates in moderation, didn’t get much preseason hype, lacks an annoyingly redundant fight song and is led by a class-act coach who, by the standards of his professional peers, should be at least a decade into retirement from his second career as a television analyst. You gotta hand it to Joe Pa. Well, maybe you don’t have to, but I do. It has been a couple dog-year centuries since Joe was a young up-and-coming hot-shot coach attractive to young up-and-coming hot-shot kids who can relate by virtue of a common generation, yet somehow he has assembled yet another strong team. I hypothesized (unfortunately in writing) in years past that Penn State football was stagnant and that Joe Pa could not possibly compete in the trendy modern recruiting arena. That logic is why perspectives expressed here are brought to you free of charge. Lesson: Never underestimate the potential of a successful person. And while we are on the subject of predictions, my prediction of a Badgers victory was a little off. By a little off I mean, a little off like the idea that poor-risk borrowers would make their house payments was a little off. There was no facet of the game that Wisconsin dominated. None that it even won. The Badgers were slower, weaker, less well prepared, less focused and probably less healthy. Mostly slower. That’s an observation about relative talent, not a judgement about effort. Speed is not taught or learned. Speed is recruited. I thought that PSU operated in a gear that our guys did not have. A good example is the "poor tackling" that so many people notice and complain about. Much of poor tackling is not getting there in time. It is far easier to wrap a guy up if you beat him and his blockers to the spot. It is critical you understand that I am comparing the personnel of two college football teams. I am not comparing any of the Badgers, all of whom are remarkable athletes by virtue of playing Division I college football, to a mere middle-aged mortal like me. Let the record be clear: I could not have done better myself, even in my long-forgotten youth, when I was an average player on a high school team that tried hard, but achieved little Penn State was the better team in a way that was hit-you-in-the-temple-with-a-sledge-hammer obvious. I hesitate to resurrect an obsolete value, but in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I congratulate the victorious visitors and I wish the N-Lions success in their mission to restore the integrity of their own program, and that of the entire Big Ten conference as well. In other words, good luck in January. Did I mention that we stink? I say we, because it is far easier in hard times to seek the sanctuary of the third person, and proclaim that they–those Badgers–stink. Not fair. We were the Big Ten champs. We won the Rose Bowl three times. So we stink. Yeah, you protest, but what could we have done? The game was decided on the field. A reasonable question. Maybe we could have yelled more loudly or supported our emotionally tenuous quarterback a little better (although I am sure the booing helped a lot) or bought SUV’s for top recruits. Just kidding about that last one. Nobody buys SUV’s anymore. I meant sporty gas-saving hybrids for the relatives of top recruits. Just kidding about that too. I can’t afford to give vehicles to people who might end up at Michigan anyway. We should talk about Allan Evridge, who no doubt is looking forlornly at his dog and saying, "I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore." I will go with an understatement here: He didn’t have a good game. I did not boo him or the coaches who took a chance on him. That’s too mean for my blood. Could there have been anyone who wanted to do well more than Evridge? Would you have booed him if you knew his mom or his sister or his little brother Bobby was sitting in your section? I don’t know if Evridge has any siblings, but you get my point. He’s just a kid. He’s trying to help his team. His failure to do so doesn’t warrant the selfish behavior I saw last night. Regardless of how the emerging quarterback controversy–by the way, Dustin Sherer did little to secure the starting job–Evridge’s football career is mostly over. I hope he can convert this adversity into strength that will help him as he enters a more meaningful part of his life. So what now? I teams. Iowa next week. Illinois after that. Iowa is no stranger to adversity, but comes off an uplifting 45-9 win over fellow I team, Indiana. Even so, the Hawkeyes are embroiled in controversy. Eighty-two percent of fans want to fire head-coach Kirk Ferentz, the "best coach we have ever had here," according to astute, highly-knowledgeable, impassioned sports fan and current Corn Trophy holder, B.A. Feller, who is also a member of the eighteen percent of Iowa fans who actually understand sports. I am going to the game, but just like that time (after the Rose Bowl in 1994) I accidentally drove my rental car into South Central LA, I have a bad feeling about it. Even though Iowa is unstable, I cannot imagine the Badgers winning there. Not now. That is not a prediction, but a reflection of the current state of my imagination. I suspect the Badgers are of stronger mind set, picturing a win that will be the first step in the ever-evolving season goal of securing a bid to a minor bowl game. A loss next week, with games to go against Illinois, Michigan State, would go a long way to put bowl eligibility out of reach. I would be lying if I said I give a snit (the n is actually an h crouching down) about the Badgers making a minor bowl. The bowl system is stupid enough, but Playstations, Tostitos and telephones are out of reach. We’re talking toilet tissue, tampons and tire manufacturers. Been there, not doing that. You point out that Illinois lost to Minnesota, so how hard could it be to win homecoming? Don’t go there. It’s a trap. I’ll see your Minnesota over Illinois and raise you a Toledo over Michigan. My suggestions, which are probably not the answers I think they are, include Travis Beckum, and Travis Beckum and Travis Beckum. I say if you have a pro-caliber receiver, you find a way to get the ball to him. Throw it. Text it. Attach it to an e-mail. Send it UPS if you have to. Getting the ball in Beckum’s vicinity–I say fifteen times a game–may be our best chance for something good to happen. It’s also time for John Clay to assume the starter’s role. PJ Hill is a pretty good back and deserves reps; Clay is better. He’s stronger, faster, and hits the hole quicker. Comments from Mr. Negative (the guy who sits behind us): 1) "Boy those kids from Penn State are going to be obnoxious tonight." Yeah, they’re known for that. 2) "Oh, nooooo! They’re putting Effridge back in." Boo me if you like, but please learn how to say my name. 3) "That was Chris Carter’s responsibility." You might think I want to punch Mr. Negative guy or at least tell him that the college eligibility of former NFL Pro-Bowler, Chris Carter (as opposed to Badger Shane Carter), was exhausted in 1987, but I realize that half the entertainment value of my $46 ticket (well, all of it in this particular game) is derived from Mr. Negative’s reliably outlandish commentary. Next game I am taking a pen and paper so I can increase the yield on my harvest of his nutty quotes. Closing notes: 1) Reader Ralph Kamps wants a rutabaga. I will deliver it today. 2) I wondered why the 5th quarter could not have been moved up a quarter. 3) A guy using the urinal to the left of mine said, "I can’t figure out this coaching staff." Given that sobriety appeared to have eluded this man for the better part of a day, I was surprised he could figure out his zipper. 4) I replied that I thought we were outgunned, but he won’t likely remember that. 5) Comment from Kelly observing the behavior of college students on the way to the game: "Guys are so stupid." I asked if it was all guys or just the young one’s engaging in whatever particular inane behavior that caught her eye (and not mine). 6) All guys. 7) Cal Poly (November 22, Our bowl game?) is going down. 8) Basketball starts Friday night. 9) Two weeks ago Wisconsin was ranked No. 9. I don’t have a problem with Wisconsin not actually being a top-25 team, but does anyone else see the absurdity of a system that allows such woefully flawed assumptions? Does anyone else wonder where the other flaws are? ___________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column, occasionally written within 24 hours of the event it is covering. This issue is dedicated to Allan Evridge and his parents, who probably feel worse about the game and the season than anyone associated with Badgers sports. ©2008 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved. (Caption, upper photo: Author’s mother collaborates with enemy fan to whom she is also married. Caption, lower photos: Tomatoes representing rival states prepare for Saturday’s battle in Kinnick Stadium.)