Nothing But Iron: If I Were President of the United States by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. November 3, 2008 I voted last Wednesday by absentee ballot, even though I was quite present. In case you have never voted this way, I recommend it. In fact, I doubt that I will ever again stand in line to vote. For me voting was quick, but it was not easy; there is much that I dislike about the two front runners. Neither has convinced me that I should trust him any farther than I can throw a bushel basket full of compost. Perhaps I am overly pessimistic, but I picked the man I thought most likely to be the least ineffective president of the two, and still I am uneasy about my choice. Furthermore, I would be lying if I said it didn’t take me about ten minutes to convince myself that the cumbersome double negative most likely least ineffective was the same as the lesser of two evils. I said it my way because I doubt that either candidate is actually evil, at least by intent, and because it sounds really cool. My mom used to say that we should not criticize unless we could do better ourselves, but that was before the days of the internet. One morning last week, as I was digging beds for next year’s tomato plants, I got to thinking about that: What if I were the president of the United States? I have no shortage of admiration for those who would sacrifice years of their lives to do the most impossible job in the country, and I am 99.9993% certain I am not one of them–but for entertainment purposes only, I offer you my views on the executive office. If I were president of the United States . . . I would tell you up front that it was unlikely you would invite me back for a second term because mine would be a term of unprecedented tough love. I would promise you that I could not fix everything. I would insist that you help me fix those things, starting with a manageable list that my advisors and I and our colleagues in Congress decided were of the highest priority for the well-being of our country. I would assure you that many of you would not immediately like the sacrifices involved. I would point out that life is not always fair. It never has been, except that it is sometimes. I would not promise that the government would provide health care for every citizen until I heard the answers to these questions: What are you, now-insured person, willing to give up to insure everyone else? Are you willing to wait longer for access to care? Are you willing to have less care? Less technology? Are you willing to have an underpaid doctor or no doctor at all? Are you willing to pay more taxes? What would you have us do with those insurance industry workers left unemployed due to the elimination of their industry? I would chastise anyone who thought that a solution to health care was a simple (to say anyways) matter of government sponsored doctor visits, prescriptions, scans and operations. If you think I would not have you be an active participant in your own health, I have a celery to pick with you. After we get back from our brisk walk, that is. What's that? You want to light up? Here, have a pack of compact fluorescents. I would insist that we stop pretending that something can come from nothing, and I would say this so often that it would annoy you. I would advise you to ask for details any time a politician promises the expansion of health care coverage without compromise somewhere else. I would acknowledge that the government has a horrible track record when it comes to efficient administration of most programs and I would explore all possible non-government alternatives, including those of incomplete adequacy, before flipping the switch on national health care. I would not waste your time proclaiming my greatness or trumpeting the shortcomings of my opponents in public. In private, at the dinner table, with my wife and kids and the one remaining servant that I didn’t lay off, I would proclaim that my opponents are idiots, but it would be on my time. On the record I would accept that my opponents disagree with me. I would then get on with the business of running the country. I would invest in our children and I would start by finding the most effective ways to discourage children from having children. Similarly, I would support programs to prevent would-be parents who just don’t give a damn from being parents. I would acknowledge that some unwanted children go on to run for president, but I would seek data to educate the public on just how rare that probably is. I would seek ways to help children with inept parents. I would not wear ties unless going to a wedding. Ties are dumb. I would hire security expert Gavin de Becker to advise us on practical ways to make our country safer from haters and lunatics with bombs and guns. I would ask that he schit can orange and other-colored alerts and ask that de Becker work on ways to help average citizens, for example, flight school instructors, understand that no terrorist exists in a vacuum. Every person old enough to understand would know that in order to hurt us, terrorists would first have to overcome the eyes and ears of 240 million watchful, questioning, empowered people. I would make de Becker’s book, Fear Less , suggested reading for all adults and required reading for all graduating high school seniors. I would use profanity, but only when indicated, for example while reviewing the federal budget, as in You have got to be f------ kidding me. I would point out that profanity is not an intrinsic characteristic of any particular word, but a societal contrivance with no logical basis. I would shut down much of the White House, to show people that I was committed to eliminating waste. I would ban disposable water bottles from all U.S. government offices. Reusables would be fine. On the subject of waste, I would invite citizens from countries like Italy to take a look at how we squander our resources and offer their opinions on what we could do differently. I would devote as many resources to the reduction of wasteful energy consumption as I would to the discovery of new energy sources. I would scrutinize the push for biofuel production to make sure that it is actually worthwhile and environmentally sensible. I would exercise every day, because my good health would make me a more effective leader. I would hire author Michael Pollan (click to see recent article)  as secretary of agriculture and ask him to educate the country about the difference between food and edible food-like substances that have masqueraded as food for so many decades. I would push for drastic policy changes based on his recommendations. Farmers would hate me for awhile.  I would grow carrots, heirloom tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, rutabagas, beans, watermelon, gigantic pumpkins and some cool flowers on a good part of what is now the White House lawn, and yes, the White House would have a green house. If anyone would question that I would simply say, "Dude, I am the president." I would ban Japanese beetles from the White House garden, and if they would not comply, I would assign secret service agents to protect the beans and dahlias. From time to time, I would change my mind, which you could call flip-flopping, but it would not really be that because I would not have promised you anything, except the promise to make the decisions that I feel to be in the best interests of the country, using the information I have at the time. I would admit being wrong and tell you what I planned to do about it. I would not fire members of my staff for my mistakes, but I would hold them accountable for theirs. I would apologize. I would put military uniforms on both my sons so that I would think two or ten or a hundred times about sending our sons and daughters to fight in a war. Rather than have you speculate, I would admit to not knowing everything even during the campaign debates preceding my election. I would try my best to learn the things I did not know. I would be proud of our country, but I would lose the arrogance. When meeting with other world leaders I would ask a lot of questions and I would listen more than I would talk. I would be willing to defend our country with force if absolutely necessary, but I would surround myself with creative advisors who understood the need for diplomacy and the art of applying it. I would acknowledge that the world has always had evil dictators and that the notion of United States can safely wipe them out with force just isn’t realistic. We are good, but we are not Superman. I would respect the rights of people to worship the deity of his or her choice. I would respect the rights of people to worship no deity at all. I would remind us that organized religion has potential to help and potential to harm. History says so. I would ask all to respect our government’s need to refrain from showing favor to any particular religion, deity or set of beliefs. I would continue, as I do today, to believe in Good, and I would not quibble over how many o’s you spell that with. I would continue to have faith that life holds many mysteries, that mysteries, by definition, defy explanation and that there is beauty in that which cannot be explained. I would veto any legislation that promoted the weakening of the mind, for example, if someone were to propose legislation banning the use of Filipino sports mascots, like the Fighting Filipino AAU basketball team, which doesn’t yet exist, but I am thinking about it if I don’t soon enter politics. I would shrink the federal government like new cotton underwear washed in very hot water. I would find ways to identify, then reward government employees who work hard and care about what they are doing. I would deport the rest to Mexico, in exchange for an equal number of immigrants dying for the chance to work hard and earn success. From time to time, I would make you laugh. Sometimes I would do it on purpose. I would hire my mom to help run the country. She is really smart. For the same reason I would seek advice from my wife, my kids and my siblings. You would be electing a family, not a person. I would support American industry and products by teaching American manufacturers about the hazards of making crap. I would announce that the federal government no longer buys crap, just because it is domestic crap. I would challenge Americans to be better at making things than the Chinese and the Japanese and the Koreans. I would ask that we realize there are people in our country who cannot make it without help and I would ask that everyone help someone else in some way. I would help as many people as possible, but apologize that our long-mismanaged government lacks the financial resources to help everyone. I would ask the smartest people I could find for a better idea than prisons, then I would try some of those ideas on a small scale to see if they might work. I would work to eliminate government-sponsored racism by replacing racial quotas with merit-based admissions, hiring and advancement. Until somebody could explain to me why the United States of America should not be run with at least the discipline of a Fortune 500 company, I would refuse to spend money that we did not have and I would insist that we begin paying off the national debt at once. There is a good chance I might have to raise your taxes to accomplish that, and I would accept all the blame for that, even though it would only be partly my fault. I would ask that people who have more pay more, but I would not kid myself that there are enough rich people to fund our national budget without the help of the masses. I would not engage in arguments about whether or not it is fair for wealthy people to pay more taxes, but I would thank them for doing so and repay them by making our economy strong so they could become even richer. In lieu of a compellingly logical argument to the contrary, I would resist the temptation to offer your tax money to fund a stupidity bail-out service. I would let stupidity run its course, if for no other reason, than for an important lesson to our children. I would apologize that the short-term ramifications were essential to the long-term financial health of our country. I would try my best not to encourage or support stupidity in the first place. I would punish people who steal the pensions of their employees and discourage employees from putting all their eggs in their own company’s basket. I would work to replace the American dream of owning a home with the American dream of living in a country where hard work gives one the opportunity to earn enough money to own a home. I would talk more about obligations and opportunity than entitlements and expectations. And you thought Barack Obama was promoting change? Don’t worry, citizens, you are plenty safe from my controversial views and would-be influences, given that I wouldn’t secure enough votes to fill a seed packet, let alone win an election. I am not even sure my own mother would vote for me running on this platform, but I am sure she will tell me that she would, given that she is my mother and all mothers would be proud to have raised a president. I could have just as easily entitled this piece, "Why I Will Never Be President of the United States." It also tells you why I doubt I will ever leave the polls with the satisfaction of having made a decision that will actually help our country. With that in mind, get out there and vote, and when all is said and done, let’s gather and raise one glass to the status quo and another to the possibility that my cynicism is finally misapplied. ___________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column, which sometimes isn’t about sports at all, except that it would have been if the author had not forgotten to mention that the Oval Office was just the right size for a ping pong table. The author apologizes for sharing political opinions in advance of diligent (meaning any) fact finding, but reminds readers that years of sportswriting and sports reading have conditioned him to do so. ©2008 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.