Nothing But Iron: A Real Crap Shoot by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. March 22, 2009 My tennis friend Ralphie Boy Kamps, one of the guys gasping with me for a life-saving breath at the bottom of the Pride Pool, told me I had to write an NBI tonight, and since NBI is all about customer service, I told RB that I would see to it that his sports reading needs were met as requested. In doing so, I will also publish in time for reader Debra Hart to enjoy this issue with her morning coffee, hence the photo of morning coffee. You wondered how I would weave that in, didn’t you. I have a little under an hour to get this out, so if it is even more error-riddled than usual, bear with me. After all, it’s not about you. First, a word about my NCAA Tourney picks: Not my fault. Sure, you think because I write a sports column I know a lot about basketball and therefore have no excuse for languishing in 37th place in my own pool for most of the first round, just one ahead of the foolhardy, not to mention mythical Senator McCain, but I fool you if you think I possess knowledge that is special in either quantity or quality. In reality I know quite a bit about the Badgers and a little bit about the rest of the Big Ten, but it’s not like I have time to watch much else. I could count the times I have seen Oklahoma or Memphis or Louisville or Pitt, let alone Cleveland State or Sienna (I thought that was a minivan) play on the fingers of one ear. So I did what any busy, desperate half-honest ignoramus would do, I looked to the real experts–guys like Seth Davis, whose day job is to know this stuff. Now I don’t know Seth, but he is clean shaven, well-dressed and plays the role of expert well, so of course I picked Wake Forest as one of my Final Four teams. Why would I know otherwise? Speaking of Seth Davis, he had this to say at halftime of Wisconsin’s first-round game against Florida State. Wisconsin was down 12 at the half. Seth: I think (FSU is) gonna roll for the win. Greg: I was gonna say, how much hope do you hold out for a comeback by the Badgers? Seth: Not a lot, Greg. Turns out the Badgers did come back. Turns out that Seth Davis doesn’t know everything. Turns out Wake Forest is not even as good as Cleveland State. I realize that Seth and Andy and Tim and Greg and all the so-called experts are just cleaned-up, articulate versions of fat unshaven middle-aged guys with huge prostates sitting on beer-stained couches, smoking cigarettes, eating pizza and shouting know-it-all opinions at their television sets. I realize these guys, if they had the intelligence to be astrophysicists, probably would be astrophysicists. I bet reader Mike Wolff, who actually is an astrophysicist, would not have chosen Wake Forest to reach the Final Four, if it was his job to make such assessments. By the way, Seth, have you ever watched a basketball game before? I haven’t seen a 12-point first-half lead that I considered safe since I coached third graders. I did not see the Badgers game in real time. I was in a C-section. I got to see a baby born, which was touching, but with all due respect to baby Reignbeau (not his real name due to HIPPA rules), the Badgers win was even more exciting. As you know, I am not one of those people who tries to shield myself from all knowledge of the game so I can watch it in faux real time later on, so I knew the outcome as it was outcoming. Here is a transcript of the text messages sent to me by Kelly. Don’t tell anyone, but I read these in between checking blood pressures and oxygen levels. 30-31 we made a big comeback! Keaton is on a tear 35 35 J Bo 4 3! 39-44 with 7 mins left OT! 52-52..ugh we had the last shot Up 55-54. J Bo missed front end! Omg.. Down 56 59 Time out 1 min remaining 60-59 trey drives and 1!! Made it! 61 59 WON!!! I have a very nice wife who has a very nice Blackberry. Without this technology I may not have been able to continue my medical practice. In my 11 reasons why the Badgers might win (see last column), I neglected three: 1) Keaton Nankavil, a.k.a. secret weapon. By the way, Keaton once blocked Patrick’s shot in a summer league game two years ago. I am sure both players remember the event well. 2) Disrespect, there was plenty, and it does motivate. 3) Altitude: Boise (2842), Madison (863), Jacksonville (12). Tell me that altitude wasn’t a factor in OT. Since I am an objective sportswriter, I will admit the Badgers got a few breaks from officials, especially in the second half. Joe Krabbenhoft had a nice arm-on-head shot on an FSU player that was somehow missed in real time. Marcus Landry didn’t stick the landing on one of his jump stops. He then pivoted. The technical name for that is traveling. There was a questionable charging call too. I have to recognize these as bad calls, but I agreed with all of them because they made me feel good. Anyway, I didn’t get many picks right in the first round, but I got the one I really cared about. It was so nice to see the Badgers win a close one. Like I said, Trevon can be a big time point guard. I don’t have much to say about today’s loss to the Xavier Xylophones. The Badgers played well in the first half, but seemed grossly out-manned in the second. At least that’s what everyone will say. Then they will wonder out loud why Bo Ryan doesn’t recruit the players that Xavier does. This is a restatement of the obvious (advanced sportswriting technique), but ours is not a team that will win many games without hitting outside shots. The Musketeers made our kids work, but there were plenty of reasonable shots, at least shots that good teams make, and the Badgers didn’t put them down. Either you do or you go home. I still had fun watching this season. I still wouldn’t trade my team for the Spartans or the Golden Eagles or the Illini, collectively known as yuck. Nope, I am keeping them. Rumor: Vander Blue, a dunking machine from state champion Madison Memorial, is skipping his senior year of high school to join the Badgers early. Can he really do that? I say sure. Unreliable rumor source: NBI, Sunday, March 22, 2009. Did I mention that my 21 correct picks in the first round were 2 better than Barack Obama’s 19? Did I mention that Barack Obama is the president of the whole country? I heard he has a panel of bracketologist advisors in the oval, or in this case the round office of the White House. Hey, I wonder if Seth Davis was one of Obama’s advisors. Quote from reader Terry Hart on why he and Debra did not travel to Boise: "Flights are $800. I’d rather go to Italy for $650." I should have studied Terry’s picks. He’s smart. Quote from TV guy: "A lot of lactic acid in the legs make them feel heavier, and as a result your accuracy from three-point range goes down." For a minute I thought Cliff Claven had been hired on as an analyst. It’s a little known fact that lactic acid originated in Mesopotamian postal workers. Time’s up. Actually I am 37 minutes over. Oh the sacrifices I make for my art! ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. ©2009 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.