Nothing But Iron:  Week 4 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. October 16, 2009 The best thing about week 4 of the NFL season was that it was only 8 days long.  There was a time when week 4 simply meant the fourth week of the season, but that was before 4 re-reincarnated himself as the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings.  You cannot convince me it was mere coincidence that the Packers played the Vikings in the 4th week of the season.  The NFL markets everything.   By now, in what should be the second week of a two-week bye, as in bye, Detroit, I am able to assess the thrashing Minnesota unleashed on my favorite team with at least a semblance of objectivity.  It seems now a simple fact that Minnesota is just better.  Better offense.  Better defense.  Better quarterback.  Better pass protection.  Better stadium.  Yes, better stadium was a punch line.  I tried not to respect 4’s remarkable performance.  I tried to attribute it to the distraction of Adrian Peterson, to cheating by the officials, to excessive domemetric pressure, or to the surgical implantation of powerful springs, stainless steel pulleys, titanium cables and tiny microchips into 4’s throwing shoulder.  But I failed.  I respected.  The best I could come up with is that the older 4 may be even better than old 4.  At times he was so good, I wondered if he might soon change his number to 5.   My friends may argue, while sipping whine from sour grapes, that 4 is simply a product of his environment.  Of course he is, as he was in Green Bay and New York and as most of the other quarterbacks in the league are.  That comment says nothing particularly useful.  Week 4 made it clear that defenses opposing Minnesota must pick their poison:  manage Peterson, as the Packers did admirably well, or manage 4, as the Packers did not at all.  It will take a better team than mine to do both.   Indeed, week 4 is over, and that is a good thing.  I know you Tom Oats fans hate this about me, but this is the time to consider the positives:  1) The Vikings, despite early indicators to the contrary, are still the Vikings.  If there is a way for such a capable team as this to overcome its success the Vikings will find it.  2) In two weeks we get the rematch in a real football stadium.  The outcome could be different or a least less predetermined if it is cold, or if the Packers suddenly develop an offensive line, a pass rush, a defensive secondary or all three.  To be fair I should acknowledge that blitzing into the wrong hole is probably a six-point mistake against the Vikings.  In retrospect, putting more pressure—cleanly of course—on 4 might have had ramifications for November 2.  Prospectively, we will never know.  3) There will come a time in 4’s career when he will not only age, but he will age exponentially.  Exponentially is a mathematical term meaning really fast and getting faster.  Exponential could be later, but it could be sooner.  In other words 4 could be a dramatically different quarterback when he returns to Lambeau Field in pre-winter.  If not, I have what could be a classic strategy to give the Packers a different edge:  Retire 4’s Packers jersey in a surprise ceremony just before the game starts.  Talk about messing with a guy’s head.  4) If all else fails, we still have the axe. And thank goodness for the weekend-saving Badgers.  And speaking of the axe, what an astounding prediction by me that it would be a wild game.  Since I am on a roll, I now predict that Barack Obama will run for re-election in 2012.  It fascinates me that games in the UW-Minnesota series are so consistently crazy.  I can even call this installment entertaining because my team won.  Otherwise the word is disappointing.  I did credit the Gophers for the good sense to build a football stadium, but I subtracted points after the fact when correspondent Peter Qualey, who attended the game, reported that the bathroom facilities were designed by the same losers (now Bank of America executives) who planned the bathroom facilities for Northwestern’s Porta-Potty-endowed Dyche Stadium of old.  He said the bathroom on his end had only an in door, but no out door, or only an out door but no in door depending on whether your bladder was full or recently emptied.  Thank God they don’t sell beer anymore.  I wish these things for the Gophers and TCF Bank Stadium:  1) that TCF bank donate several doors and a couple hundred more urinals, or at least portable maroon and gold outhouses, 2) that campus police reduce the fine for public urination.  I recommend one dollar for the first offense and fifty cents for any subsequent offense, and 3) that the trophy cases (thanks, ESPN, for showing us the empties) stay as vacant as the Motel 6 when somebody forgot to leave the light on fer ya.   Fast forward—please—past Wisconsin’s collapse at OSU and it brings us to tomorrow’s homecoming game against fraternal twin Iowa.  I say twin because these teams appear to have much in common, entertainingly close wins against credible and lesser opponents alike.  I say fraternal because of the glaring exception of an undefeated record and a marquee road win for the Hawks.  Oh, yeah, there’s that black and gold thing too.  I guess identical was never really in the cards.  I was hoping for a 6-0 sameness that would have earned us the 2:30 PM game, but alas, the Buckeyes would not have it.  What does alas mean anyway?  It makes me feel British.   My brother Bruce, pondering the economic ramifications of the UW-Iowa betting line, asked for my input.  I mustered all my sportswriter’s expertise to tell him I have no clue what will transpire, though I have a hard time imagining either team will dominate.  To Iowa’s advantage is the confidence of having already won a big game in a ranked team’s stadium.  Message:  We can win anywhere against anyone.  To Wisconsin’s advantage is its recent loss at OSU in a game not without statistical accomplishment, at least in the categories that didn’t matter as much as the final score.  The loud-and-clear messages would have been:  1) We are not as good as we imagined ourselves to be.  2) Nothing will come easy this season. 3) Focus wins games, blurriness—if you can accept that as the opposite of focus—loses them.  Iowa may well be playing for a conference title, while Wisconsin without a lot of help, is jockeying for a decent bowl bid, at least in the eyes of those who believe such a thing actually exists outside the boundaries of the city of Pasadena.   Consistent with our rarely-violated ritual, friends and die-hard Hawks fans Brent and Ellen Feller are here from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  As I type this, they are sleeping in their black and gold pajamas in the guest room just below my feet.  For Brent and me, it’s all about the Corn Trophy.  Some of you know the Corn Trophy, presented to the fan of the loser on an annual basis, is the least coveted award in all of sports.  At the center of the trophy is a 14-year-old jar of once-yellow, now-blackened, baby corn.  Despite having once been pickled, the corn now appears to be suffering a brutal biodegradation at an exponential rate, to the point that we now consider it a biohazard.  If you happen to see fire trucks and men in yellow hazmat suits at my house, you’ll know that one of us dropped the corn trophy and broke the jar.  That said, an upgrade might be prudent.  With any luck, Brent will have a year to work on that.  If anyone wants a well-aged jar of baby corn, just let me know and we will consider selling ours at auction. The last word on Sunday’s Detroit-Green Bay game is the disclaimer that Bruce made me do it.  I said that Detroit, having tasted victory, should not be taken lightly.  Bruce convinced me otherwise:  “They got their win.  They are satisfied.  It’s a second bye week.”  I figure it doesn’t really matter if I am guilty of premature taunting or not.  If the Packers do lose Sunday, there are no words I could possibly have written that will give me more regret than the game's outcome will have given. ________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column.  The author apologizes for aiding and abetting enemy fans with clean sheets, pillow cases and offers of food, but he doesn’t really apologize because they are friendly enemy fans.  ©2009 DrTM Enterprises.  All rights reserved.