Nothing But Iron: Singing the Blues Reds by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. November 21, 2009 There is something about beating Michigan.  I can’t quite put my finger on it; maybe it’s the fight song, or the culture of arrogance, or the (alleged) cheating or the fact that beating Michigan, like fresh lettuce in November or honest politicians, is rare.  Whatever the reason, it feels good to beat Michigan, and it does not really matter if it’s nationally-ranked Michigan or last-place Michigan swirling perilously (wonderfully) close to the drain.   That brings us to the final week of meaningful college football and the accompanying proclamation that Wisconsin has had a successful season.  I base this assessment on two simple, indisputable facts: 1) a better record than last year’s and 2) ultimate final game drama.  By the latter, I mean the Badgers still have a shot at the Big Ten title.  It’s a longshot, but nonetheless represents an uncommon opportunity.  Of course Michigan doesn’t stand a chance against OSU, except that the Buckeyes are more capable than dominating, and the game will be played in Michigan Stadium, and, win or lose, OSU has already clinched the Rose Bowl, and this is Michigan’s bowl game, not to mention Rich Rodriguez’s job, and Michigan is more incapable than talent poor, and the game is being played by overgrown teenagers and there’s this shoulder thing called a chip, and if the Wolverines don’t have one, it doesn’t exist.   I am not the only one outside the Blue faith who will be cheering for the Woefulrines.  In fact, at no time before has Michigan ever had more fans.  A Michigan win could bring fame and fortune to no fewer than three other Big Ten teams; Iowa, Penn State and Wisconsin are all just a game behind OSU.  I assure you that nobody, including t-shirt makers and t-shirt buyers, is going struggle with the distinction between outright champion and co-, tri- or quad-champions. Of course a Michigan win will be worthless without a UW victory in Evanston this afternoon.  Northwestern is no slouch, and hasn’t been one for awhile.  At 4-3, 7-4, the Wildcats are just inched out of the championship race, but as Iowa folks know well, Northwestern is adept at pissing on other people’s championship campfire.   Here are the half-dozen reasons I am considering a road trip: 1) Madison to Evanston is a mere 2.5 hour drive.  2) Sunny and 55 degrees.  3) I am not going to Hawaii because it’s too far, too warm, I have a pineapple phobia and I loath hula dancers.  4) College football’s post-season is a joke, so I don’t really care which SEC team arbitrarily embarrasses us in a January bowl game that few people, except for soda, beer and chip advertisers, will remember or care about.  5) If I focus all my powers of imagination I can picture bubble-team UW in a must-win situation to capture the 16th and final spot in the 2009 college football playoffs.  If that were reality, how many of you would be considering a road trip too?  6) Last and foremost, I like these Badgers enough that I am not ready to be done watching them yet.    And yes, I do hear the voice: Be careful what you wish for . . . I know it could be a disaster like it was last time I went.  Playing Northwestern is like storm chasing.  Sometimes you get amazing video, sometimes your van is impaled by an oak tree.  My last Evanston road trip was in 1994.  It was the worst sports-related experience of my life.  I can still feel the cold and the drizzle and taste the still-frozen-purportedly-cooked brats. I remember how my massively full bladder pushed against the base of my lungs as I waited breathlessly in line with 200 other people hoping to use the nearest of three or so Porta-Potties.  I can see the lost fumbles.  I remember humiliation and the crushed expectations, and how I envisioned never again crossing the Wisconsin-Illinois border.   Since that time experience has taught me that I should not exclude the possibility that everything will be O.K.  Though it may not happen, today’s game could be great football.  It could have a happy ending.  As my Iowa friends, who attend every Hawkeyes road game, know well, you have to chip away a lot of rock to find the diamonds. If I decide to go, I will be mentally prepared.  I now view the Wildcats as a legitimate challenge, so my expectations are modest and realistic, which insulates me from despair.  Just in case, physical preparation has begun as well.  I have not had anything to drink for the past 70 hours, for fear that the 1997 stadium renovation was merely a renaming, and failed to consider that the capacity of the average human bladder is about 600 milliliters and–here’s the tricky part–that everyone attending games has a human bladder.  I would rather be dehydrated than suffer the painful, legendary, yet contextually appropriate distension that I will always associate with Northwestern University and third-world Dyche Stadium.   Even if today’s turns out to be a losing effort, and even if that losing effort turns out to have cost the Badgers a share of the Big Ten title, and me some cool t-shirts, I will not consider it a wasted day.  At worst I will have stuff to write about, and the opportunity to honor the Badgers with the extra effort of my presence in the midst of what could still be an excellent season may be too good to pass up. This just in: I’m going.  Watch for me in Section 127, Row 73, Seat 21.  I’ll be that thirsty-looking guy not wearing purple.   ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column written with considerable haste by the soon-to-be traveling author.  The author apologizes for publishing this column without due consideration to spelling and efficient sentence construction, but he cannot exclude the possibility that readers will understand or at least consider this column is provided free of charge.  The author actually loves Hawaii and all things Hawaiian, but did not have access to vacation for the UW-Hawaii game, otherwise he would be writing the next article on an airplane.  ©2009 DrTM Enterprises.  All rights reserved.