Nothing But Iron: Pool School, Infrequently Asked Questions of Pride 2005 March 26, 2005 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. Why, amateur sports columnist, are you smirking? In ordinary times, the distinction of holding down 20th place in the Pride Pool would be worthy of about as much pride as a conviction for public urination. However, these are not ordinary times. You see, I have this brother. He is not my only brother, but he is the very vocal brother who won the Pride Pool in 2003 and placed well again last year, and always, painfully, ahead of me. His name is Bruce, though he became Ambrucino Lagmanini, ever since long-lost, slightly fabricated cousin Arn Lagmanovic appeared in the 2004 pool with exactly the same picks as Bruce, but always just ahead of him in the standings based on the principles of alphabetical order. This year Ambi entered the pool with his usual swagger, eager to spin messages of how he would once again claim the family crown. Smugly, he chose a final four of Illinois, Duke, Gonzaga and U Conn, then, before his biggest mirror, flexed his biceps and puffed out his chest while pondering his impending success. Then bad things began to happen to his bracket. Gonzaga lost. U Conn lost. Even old favorite Syracuse fell apart. Then, as if to add insult to low stature, the unthinkable happened: Duke, Ambi’s Chosen One, succumbed to the Spartans. Suddenly, Ambi awoke from his superiority complex drenched in a cold sweat. Just a bad dream, right? No, just bad picks. You see, I may be in 20th, behind wife Kelly, son Connor and other brother Mike, but Bruce is tied for 30th and going nowhere faster than you can spell short. The mathematical consequence of his ill-advised selections is that he cannot catch me or anyone else in the family, except Mom, who did not have time to submit a bracket. That is why I smirk and why I will continue to smirk now and for the next nine days, as I bask in the glory of the dismantling of my brother’s brief, yet well-publicized dynasty. And if 32nd-place Pete Sytsma catches Ambi, leaving my little brother all alone in last place, I might even grin. Who is Ambrucina Lagmanini? Ambrucina is the made-up identical twin of Ambrucino, at least she was identical until she underwent a sex-change operation and a legal name change in order to insure herself of finishing higher in the Pride Pool standings than her genetically-matched sibling. Isn’t it eerie how twins ended up with exactly the same brackets? Why do I have a lower score than some people with fewer correct picks? If you would have read the rules, you would know why. It’s not how you pick, it’s who you pick. The Pride Pool rewards high-risk behaviors by awarding a bonus for picking an upset. If you pick correctly, the seed number of the winning team is added to your score. Successfully picking a 12 to advance could net you 12 bonus points for each round in which you selected that team. You still get zero points for a loss, so it pays to pick winners whether you choose underdogs or favorites. How did brother Mike get so high in the standings? First of all, Mike, as he tells us often, is cool, which helps, but most of all Mike is lucky. According to sources close to the dog dish, Mike actually copied his picks from his postage-stamp-sized dog, Ed. Ed, err Mike, had supplanted leader Kris Miller for a few hours, only to find himself back in second place as she surged past him once more. For man and man’s best friend, it only gets harder from here. But for Louisville in the Final Four, his bracket prospects are dead, muerte, extinct, defuncto, history. He thinks he has the family title wrapped up, but Kelly, who has Louisville, NC, and Illinois in the Final Four could easily catch him. That’s why I married her. Who is So-Called Expert? Just to see how us commoners fared against a paid professional, I copied the picks listed on line from one of CBS Sportsline’s basketball analysts (I think these are Greg Doyel’s). As you can see So-Called is in 28th place. He has NC and Illinois in the Final Four, so he could move up, but it goes to show you that knowledge isn’t everything. Who is Kris Miller, and why is she winning the Pride Pool? I once thought Kris Miller was the mother of one of my son’s classmates–the one who served pickles and lettuce while I assembled paper plates and napkins on occasional Wednesdays when we would share lunch room duties at our kids’ school. It turns out that motherhood is only part of the double life of Kris Miller. Kris, according to NBI sources, holds degrees in sports marketing and sports physiology from U Conn, where she played and later coached for the Huskies in both the men’s and women’s programs. She was a walk-on with the men’s team, but was later awarded a scholarship. She was the Most Outstanding Player of the 2004 NCAA tournament while wearing a jersey borrowed from the injured Emeka Okafor. Prior to using her college eligibility Kris worked as assistant general manager for the Miami Heat from 1998-2001 and was once chief assistant strategist under Phil Jackson during the heyday of the L.A. Lakers. She was a finalist on ESPN’s Dream Job, under the alias of Charles Barkley. In short, Kris Miller is winning because she knows her basketball. (If you ask her, she will deny all of this, but I think, based on her picks, that her secret’s out.) Keep a close eye on Kentucky. Only one Pride Pool entrant picked the Wildcats to win it all. Who has the best chance to make a move in the Pride Pool? So far, Maeve Andrews is the only one who has an intact Final Four. She has the highest possible scoring potential of anyone in the Pride Pool, but she will need a lot of help from the Badgers, who she has losing to Arizona in the title game. As wacky as this tournament has been, Maeve might be cutting down the nets when all is done. Maeve twice won her dad’s office pool held during the playoffs of the New Zealand National Rugby Championship. Is now a good time to ask questions about taste loss? No. ______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column and proud sponsor of the Pride Pool, which is an unregistered trade mark of DrTM Enterprises. No duplication, rebroadcast or other use of the Pride Pool is permitted without permission of the commissioner. Taste loss is a registered affliction of Miller Brewing Company, which makes great commercials and adequate beer. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.