SAQ: Seldom Asked Questions Why do some of your articles seem to lack apostrophes and dashes? I had chicken pox the week that we learned apostrophes and dashes.  O.K. not really.  I think it has to do with the web hosting plan I bought from ix Web Hosting, which has otherwise been a pretty good web hosting company for me.  I meant to check the box that allows apostrophes and dashes unlimited longevity, but I must have accidentally checked the box that says delete some of my punctuation marks after a few months to make me look like an illiterate idiot. Why does your byline include suffixes like MD, CSW, CASW? I do that to poke fun at society's sometimes-silly emphasis on titles and certifications: People equate more letters with more expertise or capability. We see this all the time in medicine, and it was rampant in academics. During my brief foray into the realm of academic medicine I once suggested that we have rank insignias on the sleeves of our white coats so that we could distinguish a professor from a mere assistant or associate professor. A handful of people thought that was as funny as I thought it was. In addition, the designation of MD allows me some leeway in the expression of my opinions. Moreover, I can cut corners on my research. In other words, it takes the pressure off. If I really screw something up, like predicting Detroit or its equivalent will win the Super Bowl, you mighy say, "Oh, well, he's just a dumb doctor. Can't expect him to know about sports." If I were a legitimate sportswriter, you would be writing to my editor asking for my transfer to the Anchorage Gazette. CASW stands for Certified Amateur Sportswriter. Is there really an organization that certifies amateur sportswriters? No, but I would like to see my tax dollars go toward establishing one. I think its important, otherwise pretty much anyone can write a sports column. That's scary. Were you born an amateur sportswriter, or did some life-changing event prompt you to start Nothing But Iron? Like many of you, I was born a non-verbal, illiterate infant who communicated his needs by crying and soiling things. I grew up playing many sports, but never had cause to become a fan of any particular college or professional team, nor did I aspire to master trivialities such as the name of the student defensive coordinator for Western Villanovia State Tech. Ultimately, incessant teasing was what drove me into this business. My wife, Kelly, who was born a Packers fan, knows as much about sports as any guy I have ever met. She and my friend Brent, who knows as much about sports as any wife I have ever married, would team up and spring pop quizzes on me, like: "Name another player on the Badgers roster besides Danny Jones." I froze. They laughed. Ha ha. I vowed that I would show them. I would become a sportswriter. I produced the first tongue-in-cheek issue a short time later, and circulated it to a readership of three people. Since that time, circa 1995, I have written thirty to forty issues each year. Patrick Tompkins. How many readers do you have now? As of 2007 there are a couple hundred readers on the mailing list.  I have had some people tell me they are forwarding their issues to others, so I have no idea what the total number of readers is, but I estimate total readership to be around 700 million give or take 699,999,750 or so.  Now there is a web site, so it is even hard to say because I don't know how to work the hit counter. Why is Nothing But Iron called Nothing But Iron? It has nothing to do with golf or power lifting. I recalled the book written by former UCLA player, Bill Walton, called Nothing But Net. I remembered thinking, rightly or wrongly that such a title was a little arrogant, not unlike some of the sports journalists I had read from time to time. My column, in addition to forceful opinion, would have a touch of humility. I would make my point, or prognosticate indiscriminately, but admit to stupidity when I committed it. Moreover, I realized that I would periodically be off the mark because of the demands of my day job, which would sometimes force me to forego research that would be necessary were I getting paid to write. Coincidentally, the title of my column also aptly describes a number of my offensive offensive outings on the basketball court. Was it always called Nothing But Iron? No, it was originally called "Life of Reilly", but I was told that some guy from Sports Illustrated had taken that already, so I changed mine. Why did you start a web site? I felt my readers were getting too dependent on me for their sports information, almost like the days when I would do Patrick's art projects for him in 1st grade. Now he expects me to help him with quadratic equations, which are a whole lot harder than coloring assignments. Besides, I wanted to see if I could start a web site. Is there any way I can still get issues e-mailed to me? Yes, this service is available for $7000 per issue. Alternatively, you can visit the web site, copy the column you want and e-mail it to yourself. Why don't black and blue match? Black and blue don't match for the same reason that they do match if the shirt is black and you are wearing blue jeans. Do you think that navy blue was some joke that wives play on their husbands to see if they could figure out which socks are really black and which ones are blue but pretty much indistinguishable from black? Yes, I do. What does it take to be a sportswriter? You have a knack for formulating opinions about subjects for which you lack expertise. You must be able to back up those opinions with unsubstantiated--sometimes confabulated--information that the reader construes as factual. Just kidding. The sportswriters I like are funny, fair, balanced, logical and able to poke fun at themselves. They aren't afraid to admit that they got something wrong. They know that Wisconsin is an it and Badgers are a they and they don't say myself when they mean me. If a sportswriter hates football's Bowl Championship Nonsense, I know he or she has wisdom, intelligence, common sense and is attractive to members of both sexes. What does confabulated mean, and why would anyone use such a word? I don't know, I made it up. Why, over the years have you been such a vocal opponent to the Bowl Championship Series? The BCS defies logic and reason. I once wrote that it has all the rationale and only half the appeal of a wet t-shirt contest. The addition of computers, an attempt to legitimize the so-called national championship, has been a monumental failure. Politicians are made in the voting booth. Champions are made on the playing field. A reader once called you a "metrosexual" for carrying a nylon brief case around. Any truth to that label? Well, the only "product" I ever put in my hair comes from the cheapest bottle of Suave shampoo I can find at Walmart. I see no reason to avoid wearing black shorts with a blue shirt. I view clothes shopping as a form of torture that covered under Article VIII of the U.S. Constitution (". . . nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted"). I consider shaving an optional endeavor on non-work days. I sometimes buy dirt and manure, which I typically handle without the use of gloves. I believe in the 5-minute rule for food dropped on the floor or ground. What's your favorite season? Basketball. What's your favorite season besides basketball? Hockey. Why hockey? Because that's when most of the basketball games are played. Why do you garden? For the same reason you go to supermarket, for the food. Only difference is I can walk out in my back yard and get stuff you could only dream about in a supermarket. Yeah, but isn't gardening for delicate middle-aged females wearing flowered cotton gloves and pastel gardening clogs? That's a misconception. First of all, middle-aged female gardeners are a lot tougher than you might think. If you sweat a lot, actually touch the dirt and rub it on your pants, shirt and face, gardening is a guy thing and you can admit to it without compromising your masculinity or being labeled a metrosexual. Readers sometime suggest that you "do something" with your writing. How do you reply? First, I say thanks. If I could blush I probably would. Then I pointed out that I am doing something with it. I have a day job, so I don't need to make a living as a writer. I find anonymity to be of greater value than fame, which I perceive to be a major pain in the ass, even if it is accompanied by fortune. If I make a few readers laugh or cry or bloody their fists on their computer screens, then that is more than satisfying enough for me. In short, a cult following would be just right. Does it bother you that there are no Irish-Filipinos playing in the NBA? While it is true that I-Fil discrimination is rampant in professional sports, it doesn't really bother me. It does bother me that I am too short, too slow and too gravitationally well endowed to play in the NBA.