Nothing But Iron: 360 Degrees of Separation by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. October 7, 2006 I have the following mildly encrypted message for ESPN: screwdriver plus university minus driver and niversity plus exclamation. If you greedy ESPNbutHOLES (put spaces, dashes and extra t’s where you see fit) think I would actually pay–not that I could because ESPN360 is not even available in my home–to watch today’s Wisconsin-Northwestern football game on a computer screen you’ve been standing too close to your satellite dishes. Why would I want to encourage such silliness? Isn’t it enough that over the years I have watched 14,522 of your sponsor’s advertisements on various ESPN channels, en route to your network amassing the net worth of an oil-producing nation? If I want to watch Big Ten football on my computer, I will install the PC version of NCAA 07 and play the game myself. As a committed Wisconsin fan I would take the Northwestern game controller and give Wisconsin to Connor, who, unlike me, understands the difference between the R-3 stick and the little green button with the triangle on it. My malice toward ESPN is not about desire. It is about need. I need to see the Badgers today because tomorrow I am going to see the Packers. At Lambeau. On purpose. The Packers, for those of you who have stopped caring, just fired the best defensive back at Ahmad Carroll’s position. Their back-up plan is to replace him with one of the guys who couldn’t beat out Carroll for his spot when Carroll was a member of the team.  Yeah, that will be a good solution.  I’m not saying that Carroll could win an argument for wrongful discharge with anyone but his dog, but there must be a reason he was playing.  For me the bigger question is how Carroll became a first-round pick in the first place. Ooh, I remember. It’s because the Packers picked him in the first round. Now, now, no fair playing the retrospect card. When I put my strong-minded cap on (it just came out of the dryer), I realize that Carroll is just a young guy, in over his head like an orderly doing heart surgery (see upcoming episode of Gray's Anatomy), trying his best to blend.  I am sure none of his many failures was intentional. With coaxing most Packers fans would probably agree, but they are frustrated that the balance of star players, capable players and struggling players so often favors Green Bay’s opponents, and that clouds objective thinking. Three calming influences that keep me from abusing Valium, spewing (more) profanity and throwing television remotes are 1) that I get to see Connor’s football game, which was a reasonable trade for my game UW-NW game ticket, 2) the voice of Matt Lepay on AM 1310, and 3) the public TV tape-delay telecast at 10:30 PM. At least I can hear some of the game in real time + 6 seconds and see all of the game without commercials a few hours after the fact. I sure as H am not going to watch the highlights on Sportscenter, because I am boycotting that channel of which we do not speak. The WHA version will be about as insightful mulch, but it’s better than nothing, which is pretty much what that channel of which we do not speak offered. Lepay is the next best thing to television, and there have been times where he is a whole lot better than television.  At the low price of free, Matt is the best bargain in Wisconsin sports entertainment. More on the Badgers after I see what 80,000 of you already saw.  This just in:  Connor’s team won 20-14.  It was tense. _____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. This issue is perfectly spelled, punctuated and grammaticated, therefore no disclaimers or apologies are needed in this space. Mike is cool. © 2006 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.