Nothing But Iron: Battle for the Glass Slipper by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., A.N.S.W. March 25, 2005 But first, a diversion. I watched ESPN’s Dream Job, where average ordinary guys compete for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to work alongside America’s best television sports journalists. This season the contestants are actually former NBA stars competing for a spot as an ESPN NBA analyst, but in terms of sports analyst expertise, NBA star not much advantage over ordinary guy. I found Dream Job to be entertaining for awhile, until I realized it completely lacked drama. The winner gets to give his opinions about sports. Who doesn’t already do that? Here’s an idea for a better show: I call it Sleep Job. In the first episode we meet Joe, a twice-divorced, out-of-work car detailer from the Bronx. He is up against Justin, a steroid abuser who once had his own band in Topeka, Kansas, Merrill, who works as a legal secretary by day and is an exotic dancer by night, and Sam, a former D1 college basketball player, who works part-time for a moving company in Iowa. These contestants, and six others compete for one position as a doctor in a lucrative anesthesiology practice. For one lucky winner, its blue jeans to scrub pants in fifty-six days. No entrance exams, no all-night study sessions, no sleepless internships, no biochemistry or histology or p-chem and, best of all, no six-figure loans to pay off. Not only will you see them work in the operating room under the scrutiny of judges who are real doctors, each week you help decide, by voting on line, who makes it to the next O.R. schedule and who heads to the parking garage. Real patients. Wannabe doctors. Central lines, intraoperative echocardiography, fiberoptic intubation, mind-altering drugs, ventilators–over eight weeks they’ll do it all, or at least they’ll try. You won’t want to miss Sleep Job, and remember to cast your vote after each episode. Most importantly, don’t let one of these fools anesthetize you! I’ll let you know if any of the networks pick up my show. Let’s get on to the obvious topic: Andy Williams. Only old people know who he is, so I’ll fill you in. Williams was a famous singer. He did a Christmas song (which now exists as a hip-hop remake by Eminem) called, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Mr. Williams, I beg to differ. March is most wonderful time of the year. March as in Madness. March as in college basketball, baby! Can you believe this tournament? I can hardly stand it, it’s so much fun. In fact, I haven’t had this much fun since Whatchamacallit College beat University of Whosiwhats in the Thingamajig Bowl sponsored by Doohickey. Of course I am kidding. The BCS, college football’s joke of a postseason, is now, as it becomes every spring the faintest of memories. Not only is it overshadowed by the drama, suspense and sheer beauty of the NCAA basketball tournament, the BCS is a mere shadow of a freckle on the back side of the nose hair of college athletics. Maybe someday, someone who can make a difference, will trip over the Sears by Whomever So-Called National Championship Football trophy and fall face first into a double overtime regional final between Cinderella and Mohamed Ali, and finally see the wasted potential. Yes, yes, be patient. I am working my way toward talk of actual basketball. NC State is a two-point favorite to beat Wisconsin in tonight’s third-round matchup. I’ll take the role of underdog anytime. Besides, if the Badgers win, they better get used to that role. NC State is the last of the double-digit seeds. I surmise that the betting line is a consequence of the ACC being a more popular conference than the Big Ten, and that the Wolfpack has a flashy star named Julius Hodge and Wisconsin’s flashy star plays for the Mavericks. A look at the stat comparison, and it appears that the Badgers, other than Hodge, will be facing a mirror image of themselves–control the tempo, share the ball, keep turnovers low, take what the D gives you. Warning to fans of the other (high octane) North Carolina: This could be the most boring game in the history of basketball. Prediction: As all lower-seeded teams do, NC State will have the crowd. UW prevails in double overtime, 22-21. What a thrill is was to watch UW-Milwaukee in its attempt to shove basketball down the throats of the Fighting Illini. Of the double-digit Cinda’s this team was my favorite, not because of geographic proximity, but because of style and heart. Pressing? Running? Trapping? Against Illinois? That approach was so illogical it damn near worked. The reason it failed had less to do will the Panthers and much to do with the Illini, who were just too good to lose. You might point to Milwaukee’s seeding and conclude big deal, a 1 beats a 12, but the UWM I saw would have beaten half of this year’s Sweet Sixteeners. I was impressed that the Panthers made it to the third game, but even more impressed by how good they were. How could this be the same team Wisconsin beat beat 66-37 in December? The answer is that it was not. Though I can’t find the 2005-2006 schedule, I assume the Badgers will meet the Panthers again next season. Milwaukee graduates just two seniors to UW’s five. I wonder what Las Vegas will have to say about that. I know some of you are weary of such talk, but join me in a quick game of What If? What if the Badgers had a certain NBA player who left school early to go to the NBA? National championship, that’s what. Yes, I am talking about LeBron James in a cardinal and white uniform returning for his sophomore year. If you don’t believe me, LeBron put up 56 points in an NBA game a few days ago. That guy could have had an impact. Fifty-six is something. On the other hand it wasn’t so something that the Cavs actually won. I am told that James, besides being productive, can be a good team player, but I have to wonder if he is so good that the Cavs can’t afford to surround him with enough other good players. To put it in terms that an NBA star could understand: for the price of a Hummer, you can buy a BMW and couple Toyotas, or, even better, as John Wooden once said, "A player who makes his team great is far more valuable than a great player." (Paraphrased.) Call me back when James wins a ring. Ha, didn’t know I was going there, did you. Feeling over-appreciated lately? This Bud’s for you. Bud Poloquin of the Syracuse Post Standard (read it at syracuse.com) wrote "Stuff This in Your Space Mountain". Poloquin, which is Native American for acutely inflamed hemorrhoids, took offense to Bo Ryan’s off-the-cuff comment that Syracuse isn’t Disneyland, and responded with a barrage of corn shuckin’ hillbilly-meets-country bumpkin disparagements, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Wisconsin last played UCLA in the Rose Bowl. About the only nasty thing he didn’t call us was Minnesota Vikings fans. "We've got this Bo Ryan," writes Poloquin, "who lives out there on the frontier among all those udders and cobs of corn, walking our streets and complaining that there aren't any teacups to ride?" I ask you, fellow simpletons, is that the proper way to treat a fellow easterner? Ryan (a.k.a.Tweedle Dum to Poloquin), as we backwoodserners know, hails from Pennsylvania, so it is hardly fair to implicate him in matters of bovine lactation or, God forbid, dairy-themed headgear. The more compelling irony of the article, which also includes references to whittling and a claim that Madison offers little to do after 10 o’clock in the morning–hey, tell that to UW’s party-loving student body–is that its author spent over 700 words worth of effort crafting creative ways to insult the people of our state for a comment that either didn’t mean what he thought it meant, or did mean what he thought it meant. Either way, wouldn’t you think a big-time writer living in thrill-a-second Syracuse would have something better to do? Footnote from Syracuse correspondent Kelly Lagman: 1) Ryan is "furious" about the article. 2) Syracuse is not Disneyland and it not even a close second to Madison on the excitement scale. 3) Syracuse does have a nice mall. ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column written by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W., author and former Grand Champion Whittler. The author, who has often been seen cruising the streets of Madison long after 11 o’clock a.m., dedicates this issue to the developers of SyroDisney, scheduled to open in 2009 in Syracuse, New York. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved including the right to spend time at the World Dairy Expo and enjoy the experience.