Nothing But Iron: Axiomatic by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. October 18, 2005 Desperation was about to become despair. All that separated Minnesota from the repossession of Paul Bunyan’s Axe was the seemingly simple matter of advancing a football past an imaginary yellow stripe, just ten yards up the field. The Gophers had done that 24 times before, often effortlessly, through gaping defects in Wisconsin’s defensive line. The Badgers, predicting correctly that Minnesota would stick with its seven-yards-and-a-cloud-of-carpet-fibers approach, held for three critical downs, tugging the Axe a few inches farther from the open door of the Gophers’ trophy case. I was praying that coach Glen Mason would not call the bootleg, which I believe would have ended the game. Unless he reads my column, he will never know how much I appreciate the lack of play-calling creativity in that final series. The simple matter of securing a first down had become a simple matter of punting and keeping Wisconsin out of the end zone. With less than a minute left, the worst case scenario for the home team would be overtime. Or so everybody, his brother and his ESPN analyst thought. Ten seconds later, in one of those blink-three-times, pinch-me-to-make-sure-I’ve-not-died-and-gone-to-heaven, Pontiac-Game-Changing moments, desperation became elation. Defying logic, and maybe even fairness, Wisconsin secured its first lead of the second half after a fumbled snap led to an ill-advised kick attempt that was blocked and recovered in the end zone. Few Badgers fans imagined it could get any better than that, but the Gophers proved us wrong again, fumbling away the kick return too. I came as close as I will ever come to feeling bad for the Minnesota players and fans, but my compassion was fleeting, except in the case of punter Justin Kucek for whom I have lingering empathy. For this same player I also have lingering gratitude. I will understand if he cannot accept my thanks. I have to wonder if his coaches reminded him of the option to take a safety in the event of an impending block, and if so, why he didn’t do that. Tough way for a freshman to learn a lesson, but it’s one he won’t likely forget for the next 60 years or so. It will probably be said, especially by distraught Gophers fans looking to salvage something from the rubble that was once their collective pride, that Minnesota was the better team. Not so. A team is the sum of all its parts–the aggregate of its successes and its failures. The better team’s parts don’t precipitously seize in the game’s critical moments. As it was last week when Northwestern beat Wisconsin, the better team is the one that had the most points at the end of the game. I believe this concept to be axiomatic, which you should look up in the dictionary like I did when I was searching for a nifty title with ax in it. While it may be true that the Gophers should have won, it is certainly true that they did not. Lastly I offer a bit of education on the folklore behind the Axe. If any of you have connections at ESPN, feel free to pass this along. According to commentator Mark Jones’s version, "Paul Bunyan chopped down tons of trees in this part of the country, thus creating the Grand Canyon." I had the benefit of watching the game with my brothers, one of whom was visiting from Arizona. Bruce assured me that the Grand Canyon is actually not in this part of the country, but in his own home state. (I fact checked this using Google Maps.) I also remind you that the cutting of trees creates clearings, not canyons. Maybe Jones was confusing the Grand Canyon with the Grand Clearing, which is now the site of the Mall of America. The formation of the Grand Canyon is a consequence of Mr. Bunyan taking a leak in the Colorado River. The ensuing hydrologic surge caused massive erosion, thus forming the Grand Canyon in my brother’s part of the country. I suppose messing up legends and geography on national television couldn’t be any worse than having your punt blocked and recovered in the end zone to lose the game. Credit TiVo technology for allowing us to play Mr. Jones’s intro over and over and over again. We had good laughs at his expense. Random Thoughts: 1) Epic USC-Notre Dame battle with down-the-stretch drama fit for a playoff game, which, in the small (minded BCS) scheme of things, it was. 2) Notre Dame is winless at home, but 4-0 on the road. That seems inverted. 3) With both teams having won close games at Notre Dame, one could make a credible argument that so-called No. 1 USC and Michigan State are teams of similar potency. 4) The Spartans are currently in eighth place in the Big Ten. 5) Yeah, that comparison does sound comical, but I dare anyone to prove me wrong by putting the two teams on the same field. Alas, the likelihood that USC will play this, or any other Big Ten team at any time in the 2005-2006 season is, well, zero. 5) Unless you believe my brother Bruce, who says that Cal and UCLA each have a good chance to knock the Trojans off their high hollow wooden horse. 6) That wasn’t really a sentence, but it’s my column, and it’s not being graded. 7) Some SI guy wrote in his plog (paper equivalent of a blog) that the Badgers are headed for a fall. That was before the successful culmination of Axe Quest, but I myself wonder how our team, with no bye week, can sustain itself through so many injuries. I guess Iowa did it last year, so we know it can be done. Continued success in this context will earn Wisconsin the moniker of overachiever. 8) The scariest thing about Saturday’s game against Purdue, which is not as good as USC, is the Boilermaker’s 0-3 conference record. Included in that set of losses is a close loss to Northwestern and a double OT thriller at Minnesota. This is a desperate team that cannot be taken lightly. Prediction: Wisconsin is due for an overtime. I’ll take the Badgers 63-62. _______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. The author apologizes to those readers who routinely raft the Colorado River for spoiling your memories of fresh drinking water. The author regrets not having been physically present for the UW-Minnesota game, and wants to believe that, had he been there, he would have had the good sense to stay put when the outcome looked to be sealed, but was not. Mark Jones was a presidential speech writer before joining ESPN. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.