Nothing But Iron: Feel Free to Come Up With Your Own Cutesy Title by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. November 11, 2005 A virus has invaded my body, so be sure to wash your keyboard after reading this. My immune system appears to be downloading the Windows 3.1 version of the antivirus software over a dial-up connection, so I might be in this state awhile. Virus brigades not assigned to tickling my trachea have been deployed to major muscle groups. They have been outfitted with microscopic hammers, which the little bastar-- are using to inflict pain on my muscle cells. The upshot of this affliction is a condensed version of NBI. Hey, isn’t it interesting that I can type bastar--, without risk of offending anyone, yet everyone fully understands my intent to offend? We are an arbitrary-minded species indeed. Since we are on the subject of pain, lets review the fortunes of the Packers. They have a really nice stadium. That’s about it. With 10-6 now a mathematical impossibility, reader Dave Onken wonders if 9-7 will be good enough for a playoff berth. I reminded him that 9-7 could win the division, however, home field advantage throughout the playoffs is rapidly becoming a longshot. According to the fan experts like us, the problem is Mike Sherman. I agree. For sure it is Sherman’s fault that there are so many injuries. I polled the league’s good coaches and everyone of them took time in the preseason to specifically instruct his players to "stay healthy". Penalties are also Sherman’s doing. I know this, because whenever there is a penalty someone says, "That’s coaching." I tried to contact Sherman to see if the Packers work on snap counts during practice, but his secretary picked up the phone before it rang, and we were disconnected. So, fire Sherman now. Win the Super Bowl soon. Other experts say it’s time for Favre to go. I couldn’t agree more. After all, what has that bum ever done for us. One of the marks of a good quarterback is that he has several good receivers, a reliable offensive line and a capable running back. Analogous to the kid who has to pee ten minutes into the family’s cross-country vacation, Favre shoulda thought of that before we left. Sherman should put Aaron Rodgers in now, so he can gain valuable experience in recovering from concussions. O.K. that’s enough sarcasm. Here are my actual game-day observations from section 415, row 10, seat 5: 1) Full stadium, which is a key financial statistic for an organization that might have access to the most expensive player in the draft next year. I personally would parlay the top pick into about ten second- to fifth-round picks. 2) Largest number of opponent’s fans I have ever seen in Lambeau. At least they were not wearing purple. 3) The "boos" you heard on TV were actually cheers of "Deuce" from Steelers fans. 4) Excellent support from the Green Bay fans who did attend. That made me proud, especially since I was accompanied by first time Lambeau attendee Brent Feller. Brent was more than impressed with the facility. 5) I don’t really fault the fans who sold their tickets. The NFL experience is monumentally expensive, and the sale of these tickets will likely finance many future tailgate parties or college educations. 6) Solid, but mistake-riddled effort. I can always support guys who don’t give up. 7) Watching the Packers play was like watching a kid try to light a campfire on a windy night–a flicker of ignition, then a gust, then darkness and frustration. 8) Green Bay is almost out of matches. Wisconsin got beat (up) by a very good team in front of about 4 million title-crazed N-Lions fans. No shame in that. Moderate disappointment, yes, but no surprises, even for those of us who were hopeful that nature would not take its course. Kudos to Joe Pa. What’s a kudo? At 8-2, 5-2, the Badgers are in good shape. I say this because in consecutive years, they will have finished the conference season with a meaningful game against a meaningful opponent. I also say this because win or lose Saturday, the Badgers are going to Hawaii in two weeks. Hawaii is a really good place. A share of the conference title is still mathematically feasible with a win over the Hawkeyes, a Michigan win at home over OSU and a Michigan State win at home over Penn State, which comes off a bye week. Like all trifectas this one is unlikely, but given the unpredictable nature of sports, I’ll accept mathematical feasibility. Worst possible Big 10 outcome: PSU loses, OSU wins, Buckeyes are outright champs. Score zero points for originality. The strength-weakness analysis of the Hawks-Badgers matchup, err battle for the Big Cow Statue is not encouraging for red people. Some of the same, ultimately insurmountable, obstacles that Penn State presented could be operative on Saturday. Wisconsin has struggled mightily against talented quarterbacks and good defenses. Given that Iowa brings both, the Hawks will be favored. Look for relentless pressure on John Stocco, who has yet to convince me he can manage it. I’m not suggesting I could manage it either–heck, I stink at Asterioids–or that Stocco gives a rip about convincing me. Look for Drew Tate to challenge UW’s secondary over the top. I am hoping that home field advantage, Senior Day, Barry Day and Brian Calhoun’s last home game as a Badger (unsubstantiated NBI projection) are the great equalizers. Either way, it will be a vintage college football atmosphere for the send-off. Here’s to Barry. Here’s to upsets. Here’s to a new home for the Corn Trophy, which I have held for as long as I can remember. The guy basketball Badgers beat Division 3 River Falls in an exhibition game on Saturday. I am sure that Bo Ryan and his staff learned much from this encounter, but the closest thing to a useful observation I can pass along is that players from both of these teams sweat a lot. Despite the as-predicted lopsidedness, it was exciting to be back in the Kohl Center. Next week Kelly and I are off to St. Thomas for the Paradise Jam. The UVI Sports Complex is no Kohl Center, but we will manage. From the perspective of a sportswriter (read: taxpayer) this is a business trip, though I am deeply committed to working on my tan. Curiously, rain is forecast, which could hamper the latter initiative. Recruiting news: Feller, who knows stuff, raved about Jason Bohannon, of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, who has committed to play for Wisconsin starting in 2006. Citing a relatively limited pool of legitimate Division I players in his home state, Feller described the loss of Bohannon as "devastating" to the Hawkeyes program and he gave me permission to quote him on that. ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. This issue is dedicated to antibodies, ibuprofen and Tylenol. Proofreading is for well people. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.