Nothing But Iron: The Perfect Farewell, Rated NS (for Not So) by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. November 17, 2005 and beyond I am about three issues behind. Again. In strict compliance with long-standing NBI tradition, here are my excuses: 1) I have devoted much time to the development of a new iPod accessory. This has been a frustrating process, because every time I come up with a fabulous idea like the iPod cell phone that takes pictures and bakes mini pizzas, I find that there is already a patent on it. Finally, I settled on the iBall™, which doesn’t really do anything yet, but it does have a sporty, possibly ophthalmologic, trademarkable name, and that’s where it all starts. 2) Last week I went to a Virgin Island, where I fully intended to spend most of my time writing sports for you, but instead I watched the Badgers win basketball games (see next issue, maybe in March or April) and worked on my natural pigmentation–what you non-Filipino types refer to as "a tan". For the record, I don’t tan on purpose, but I do like being outside when it is sunny and 85 degrees. For the record, even though I am dark by Wisconsin standards–so is Frosty the Snowman, I am often taunted by Arizona-dwelling siblings for my relative pallor. I simply remind them that they are darker because their expansive body surface areas capture more solar energy. This usually results in some sort of gardening epithet. Those of you who know me are aware that I shun active tanning, which, as activities go, is about as active as snoring. In fact I consider the sweaty practice of reclining on a beach chair for hours on end to be a form of torture that ought to be banned by some sort of world treaty. Nonetheless, in the process of swimming, playing tennis, snorkeling, cavorting in the surf and topless driving with Kelly (in a convertible, that is), my skin turned dark, and the time it took explaining my predisposition to browning was time away from literary pursuits. 3) Since Friday, the busiest shopping day of the year, I have spent many idle minutes sitting motionless at my desk pondering, without resolution, two of life’s greatest mysteries. The first is: Why would anyone stand in line to get into a Target store? The second is, why were holiday shoppers falling over one and other–literally–at a local Walmart? I have been to both stores, and they are good stores, but I have never seen anything sold at either place that would cause me to line up or behave like a pack of drunken bowling pins. Moreover, both Target and Walmart have well-designed web sites where one can order stuff from the safety of one’s own home to be delivered to one’s doorstep by a courteous man in a brown truck. Enough excuses, here are my belated thoughts on the Badgers season after the home finale, a loss to Iowa: If this had been a movie, starring Barry Alvarez coaching his last home game as the most successful figure in Wisconsin football history, the Badgers would have beaten the Iowa Hawkeyes with a perfect mix of power and finesse. If this had been a movie, the Badgers would be 11-0, ranked third in the nation, and gathering momentum to face the 14th seed in the first round of the sixteen-team NCAA Championship Tourney. If this had been a movie John Stocco and Brian Calhoun would be the frontrunners for the Heisman Trophy and Badgers fans would be lamenting the forgone conclusion of their imminent departures to the NFL. If this had been a movie it would not have rained. It wasn’t a movie. It was reality. That’s not to say reality’s writer is a stranger to feel-good endings, but he’s not afraid to toss aside predictable sentimentality in favor of the emptiness of what might have been. The reality of Saturday afternoon was that the better team, not the team that had more to celebrate, won. I say that the better team won, not because I believe the Badgers mission was futile, but because by definition, the better team always wins. The better team makes the plays that cause winning. Iowa did. Wisconsin did not. I will remember the missed opportunities in the first half, especially the long passes that failed for reasons that those of us trained only to watch can never understand. Long before the players emerged from the tunnel for the second half, I had the sinking feeling that a 10-3 cushion would not be enough. Even with consecutive seasons that ended with title-killing back-to-back losses, the reality of having been a Badgers football fan in the Alvarez era is that our reality has far surpassed that of almost everyone else’s. If you don’t believe me, just try to pick another set of fans who have had more fun that we have had. Sure, we lack a department-store-sponsored crystal football proclaiming that our team was chosen by a computer-equipped electorate to be the fairest of them all, but it has had just about everything else: Big Ten titles, Rose Bowl trophies, extended seasons, a Heisman winner, a stadium upgrade, wins over ranked teams, NFL-will-be’s, over achievers like Little Leonard from Tiny Tony or the entire team of 1993, the best fans with the craziest Jump-wave-running-O-sucks-eat-sh%t student section led by the most entertaining band on either side of international date line, a famous beer song that says it all, a fifth quarter and so many thrilling highlights that most have melted together, recalled only as hybridized flashes of red and white and green and screams and high fives and hands raised to the heavens. Even this season’s 8-3, fourth-place finish ought to be ample cause for celebration. This, of a team picked to finish ninth in some preseason Big Ten projections. So, Barry bids the home crowd farewell with a loss, never having had his hands on the The Bronze Bull, the Iowa-Wisconsin version of the Ax, or as one amateur sportswriter dubbed the trophy, Paul Bunyan’s Ox. More prominently, the tongue-in-cheek Corn Trophy (see Awards, for photo), awarded by certain fans of the winning team to certain fans of the losing team, remains on my mantle for yet another season. It is becoming far too stationary for a traveling trophy. Since I wrote all that, the Badgers, beat Hawaii in its own humidity (could we please hear that comment one more time from ESPN analysts?). For those of us watching from the mainland it was satisfying to watch, especially the part where the UW defense stuffed the cleat of the R-Warriors’ smart-mouthed Timmy Chang wannabe right down his cocky little gullet. During this game our TiVo box paid for itself, as we were able to fast forward through the last 14 of the 712 Suburu B9 Tribeca commercials aired in the first half. Without TiVo I might have thrown a tire iron through my television. It looks like Wisconsin (9-3) might get a January 2 Bowl Game. It’s not Disney World . . . well, actually, it might be. In fact most of the buzz is about the Capitol One Bowl in Orlando, which, consistent with the rest of the season, is far better than expected. Most likely the Badgers will meet an SEC team. Most likely they will get clobbered like they did last year. For sure the SEC opponent will lament having drawn such a weakling. My hope is that this kind of small-minded thinking could be worth a few UW points. The good news is Alvarez teams have a pretty good history as underdogs in bowl games. Just ask anyone from UCLA. With a month to prepare, and, more importantly, a month to heal, the Badgers could become an unexpectedly legitimate opponent, even against a capable SEC team in a humid venue. Here’s to a reality with one more surprise ending. _____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. This issue is dedicated to son Connor, who celebrated his 13th birthday on Thanksgiving. The author gives thanks for this unique teenager and for his mother who, at great personal sacrifice, managed his gestation for nine months, the pain of his birth for 7 hours, and the drudgery of driving him to various academic, social, music and sporting events for much of the next 13 years. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.