Nothing But Iron: A Fish Story and Other Fishy Stories by Steven R. Lagman, C.A.S.W. December 11, 2005 This doesn’t fit in with the rest of the absurdities of this issue, so I will tell it first. On Thursday Kelly suggested we go to Babe’s sports bar after tennis. Her stated motivation hit me like an 85 degree day in December: "We can catch the end of the hockey game." After pausing to see if this was some sort of punch line, my response was, Huh? I decided to see if she really had thoughts of pulling herself up onto the bandwagon, quizzing her about the identity of Wisconsin’s opponent. She had no idea, but in an effort to save face she asked, "Is it a WCHA team?" Feigning certainty, I said yes. She then surprised me by rattling off six or seven teams in the conference, none of which was Michigan Tech. Nonetheless, it was an admirable effort for someone whose closest tie to hockey was that time she scraped ice off her windshield. If you are looking for me this evening you’ll find this sign on my door: Gone Fishing. To Lambeau. For a win. Why would I do that you ask? I will answer with a fable told to me by reader Ashley Anderson. A scorpion asked a frog to give him a ride across the river. The frog declined, telling the scorpion that it was too risky: "You would sting me. I would die and you would sink to the bottom and drown." The scorpion persisted. Finally the frog relented. Half way across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. The frog asked why he had done that. "Because I am a scorpion," replied the scorpion as the two disappeared below the surface. I am going to Lambeau because I am a Packers fan. Professional sportswriter Tom Oates thinks the woes of the Packers are mostly the fault of Brett Favre because Favre refuses to change the way he plays. Yes, Favre lacks perfection, but if he had the mental toughness of a guy like Oates, his career would have ended as an obscure Atlanta Falcons reserve about a dozen years ago. I will scrape the smile off the Mona Lisa, chisel George Bush’s face onto Mount Rushmore and make giant sequoias into shipping palettes before I will ask Favre to stop being Favre. Why did he throw that pass in the fourth quarter against the Bears? Because he is a scorpion. I got a new job last month. I still have all my old jobs, but that didn’t stop me from writing a column for Full Court Press, the new and improved newsletter distributed to members of the Wisconsin Basketball Boosters. Debra Hart, faithful NBI reader and president of the Boosters board came up with the idea to include an NBI-esque column in each issue. Hey, when the president asks you to serve, you reply, "Deuce court or ad court?" That’s a little tennis humor for my wife and her posse. At first I was a little nervous about things like real deadlines. Real deadlines can’t be broken with made-up excuses like the purported development of a waterproof MP3 player that is also an energy-efficient SUV powered by discarded chicken skin. I also wondered if people would think my jokes were funny, or if I would inadvertently or, more likely, advertently offend someone who could sue me for my house, or even worse take away my season tickets. As soon as someone pointed out that I don’t really care what other people think, I resumed my usual state of tranquility and began writing as if I had been doing it for years. Since this is volunteer work, I retain the copyright to my articles, so I can publish them for you to read free of charge (watch for links to Below the Rim). If you want the print version, sign up for the Booster Club. Last weekend I asked Kelly when UW’s official bowl game announcement would be made. "Selection Sunday is today," she replied. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did she say Selection Sunday? Yes, she did. That football has one is an outrage. Granted, it is no more an outrage than the BCS itself, but how can anyone claim a Selection Sunday for football with a straight face? The Selection Sunday is in March. It is a nearly-sacred day when a committee of impartial experts chooses 65 well-deserving participants for the NCAA basketball tournament. No tourney, no Selection Sunday. I offer the following alternatives: Stupidity Sunday, Sponsor Sunday, Arbitrary Sunday, Wonder (Who’s Really Best) Sunday, Kidding Ourselves Sunday. A radio guy, commenting on the Texas-USC Rose Bowl matchup, said, "The BCS finally got it right." How will we ever know for sure? I say the BCS just lucked out. To say the BCS finally got it right is like saying, "Jed Clampett finally got it right." Ol’ Jed was shooting at a critter, not prospecting for oil. How many times in the history of the entire oil industry has black gold been unearthed with a firearm? The guy just got lucky. At least Jed’s good fortune never hurt anyone, except maybe Mr. Drysdale. The upshot of the BCS’s dumb luck is that logic and common sense lose again. While on the subject of absurdities, I should point out that former WWF actor Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z over the music artist’s use of the supposedly trademarked Diamond Cutter Hand Sign. For those of you who have a lot of extra time on your hands, so to speak, the sign is formed by touching thumbs and index fingers together, forming shape of a diamond. Do it with me now. That’s good. Diamond Dallas wants money and he wants Jay-Z to cease and desist from using the sign. Basketball fans know that neither entertainer owns the sign. It belongs to basketball coaches who have been using it for decades to signal to players the application of the diamond (1-2-1-1) press. In other news that really isn’t . . . AP writer Richard Imrie wrote an article about a musky scandal. It made the front page of last Saturday’s State Journal, which will someday serve as a cultural measuring stick for our region. According to the story Rich Delaney, president of the World Record Musky Alliance, says that Louis Spray lied about a world-record musky caught in 1949. "In a 93-page report submitted to the Hall of Fame board, Delaney’s group argues that Spray’s musky is significantly smaller than he claimed." My first thought was that a 93-page report on that topic must itself be some kind of world record. Sadly or maybe even suspiciously, the record fish was "destroyed by fire" so we may never know the truth. You might succumb to the knee-jerk reaction of poking fun at a guy like Delaney, but he and I have more in common than too much time on our hands. We both want to know who’s best. Louis Spray? USC? Texas? Penn State? Let’s not forget to consider the fish’s perspective. He went out for a bite to eat. His food had a sharp hook in it. The hook was attached to a string that pulled him like the force of gravity on an anvil toward the surface of the water. He fought valiantly, but succumbed to exhaustion. Soon after being pulled into a boat he died a death of suffocation and dehydration. Before he could decompose with dignity, a taxidermist injected him with preservatives, painted him with laquer and mounted him on a plaque, where he hung on display until being destroyed by fire. Oh that the BCS could be so lucky. ______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column that is unlikely to ever appear in the World Musky Alliance Newsletter. The author asks NBI readers everywhere to boycott products by BCS sponsors and to form alliances and write world-record-length reports until college football has the playoff it deserves. ©2005 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.