From Scott Escher (January 27, 2005)   It's happening, my favorite ANSW is branching out to non-sports issues.  Remember sports journalists are the Cromagnons of journalism. They know little else other than the smell of sweat, and in your case the agony of defeat. Now you are leaving the sports realm for Hallmark-card journalism, feel-good writing. Next you will be writing books about people who touched your life or what really happens in heaven like some other wayward sports writer named Albom. Soon you will be asking us to pay for your spiel and making movies about your books. I bet you're going to start advertising on the old web site soon. Stick to the stuff you know best, even if the depth of knowledge is as deep as the lazy river at Noah's Ark., hoops.  Now that I got that off my furry chest, I thought your tribute to Mom was quite good.   In reply:  I suppose I could do worse than Mitch Albom.  In fact I was think about writing a sequel to The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  I would call it--and tell me if this lacks originality--The Sixth Through Tenth People You Meet in Heaven.  A year later, after getting a huge cash advance, I would write the final book of Mitch's and my trilogy:  You Screwed Up and You're Going to Hell.

From Brent Feller (January 26, 2005) Just finished watching one of the better college basketball games I have seen in some time. Watched it on tape since I had meetings all night. Please don't feel bad (if possible) because when Illinois plays that well TOGETHER, they have a shot to win this whole thing. I haven't seen an Illinois team play team ball like that since the 1989 team that went to the Final Four and were beat by Michigan in the national semifinal. That is the difference in this team and the ONLY way the Badgers lose tonight. We have a saying here in the corn state. Or at least we have a saying amongst three or four of us. "The only team that can beat Illinois, is Illinois." Their ball movement was unbelievable. Unfortunately, I think the overtime game (vs. Iowa) with those bastards woke them up a lot. Sorry. I am not looking forward to going to Madison in a couple of weeks. Except maybe to see you guys. Hang in there. Great game and truly great crowd. Nice standing ovation at the end. In reply:  You should keep these kind and objective observations to yourself.  Oh, too late.  Such words seriously compromise the intensity of our bitter trans-river rivalry and could single-handedly dispell the myth held my many Wisconsin fans that Iowans are evil and unintelligent.  Coincidentally, that is the same view many Iowans have of we Wisconsinites.  Are you sure we should mess with that?  O.K., kidding aside.  What I really think is this:  Thank you.

From Bruce Lagman (December 7, 2004) Would it be too much to ask for you to add a "submit reader mail" button on your website? Perhaps on the reader mail page? I don't have time to manage your website for you, but you can elicit more reader participation with this addition. Plus, it will be a good way for me to see how Matt is doing, since he no longer speaks to any of us. I find it annoying that I have to skip back and forth between website and email. You should have thought of this. Also, you didn't have my permission to publish my photo as a scantily-clad gypsy. This is hurtful both emotionally and professionally. Don't be surprised if Jackie Chiles (my attorney) calls you. I will be asking forthe maximum allowed by law as it translates into Uno's Pizza. Happy Holidays. Badgers will win their bowl game. Wisconsin 23 Georgia20. There you have it. In Reply: I apologize for this supposed hardship, but did it occur to you that I might be entirely satisfied with the current level of reader participation? Adding a reader mail button might upset what I consider to be a perfect balance between unbridled intrusiveness and isolationism. As for the photo, you have no claim of injury, meaning that your likelihood of extorting pizza from me is very low. I might, however, just give you pizza because I am sympathetic to the plight of your pizzaless existence. My attorney will argue that I can do whatever I want to do. It says so in the Constitution. I think it’s Article 6: Freedom to Take Pictures of Bruce and Publish Them on a Web Site. Besides that’s not you anyway. I hired a body double to pose for the image. As you might guess, it didn’t cost much. I am not sure what you mean when you say Matt no longer speaks to anyone in the family. We communicate on a frequent basis. Four times, since I last saw you, he flew me out to California to have dinner with him and Mom and Ken and Mike and Kim and Mary and Cousin Bill and Uncle Fred and Fred’s dog Droopsy who is not related to us. I figured you were probably too busy with your fantasy football franchise to make it. Anyway, Matt says hi, and apologizes for the fact that you don’t rate. I enjoyed the recklessness of your Outback Bowl prediction. It obviously comes from the heart because the mind would have had difficulty coming up with that outcome. I too believe the Badgers will win. Maybe you and I can do some cliff diving next month. It is good that our team has one more chance at a happy ending. Win or lose, I am ready to recognize what a good ride it was for those first nine games.

From Jay Sekelsky (November 2, 2004):   Regarding SAQ #1: I know it is hard to believe, but I think this guy has you beat for the amount of initials after his name:  Janethan L. Shooter, Esq., CFA, CPA, CMA, CFM.  In fact, I think he has everyone beat and he can now retire happily knowing he has gone out on top.  I get his emails since I am a fellow CFA (and also a CPA, I love initials, but most people just say BFD) and a member of MIMS (he failed to include those initials after his name).  I don't really know this person, but he does exist and [this] is how he concludes his emails.   In Reply:   Thanks for sharing this information, however, it only appears this guy, whose name I changed to protect your business interests, has me beat because I purposely omit some of my suffixes out of sheer humility, not to mention to avoid the risk of exhausting my computer's memory.   Sincerely,   Steven R. Lagman, MD, CASW., ADHD., LMNOP, QRS, LBBB, CPU, AAA, ACLS, Z104, iPod, BFD, ETC

From Scott Sankary (Oct 18, 2004): Good weekend for the cheeseheads.  Wisconsin takes down the Boilermakers on the road and the Pack gets on track.  I read this morning Wisonsin might end up getting snubbed by the BCS, even if they win out.  Who did you guys make mad? In Reply: With the games the Badgers have remaining, a run of the table, though orders of magnitude more attainable that it was two games ago, is no sure thing.  I like the Badgers mantra:  We want to be 1-0 this week.  So first things first.  If we get to Iowa with an unprecedented 10-0 record (that's 1-0 x 10) I will then start thinking about the BCS.  What I should be thinking is that the Badgers are poised to secure their first NCAA Division I playoff berth, but, alas, we still live in the dark ages of Division I post-season play.  As a veteran reader, you know my opinion of the BCS ranks somewhere between diarrhea and foot fungus.  In fact, this is the longest I have ever gone without bashing the BCS in my column, not out of acceptance or restraint, but because the anger generated with each foray into the BCS's arbitrary abyss surely shortens my lifespan.  I fully expect, given that snubbing is the trademark and tradition of the BCS, that one or more playoff-deserving teams will be snubbed this season.  As for who we made mad, well, it's so much more about madness than mad, not that my columns haven't had the potential to piss off morons who run the show (Did I mention, Morons, that I am a huge fan of both Michigan and Miami?).  Incidentally, because of my New Years Day call responsibilities, there is only one BCS bowl game that I can attend, and it ain't the Rose Bowl.  Maybe the Badgers, their opponents and BCS officials--human and non-human--will take my needs under consideration.

From Bruce Lagman (Oct 16, 2004): I am sitting in my stateroom aboard the grossly obese Explorer of the Seas - A ship that measures about 1000 feet in length. We are toward the end of our glorious journey ending with a perfect day at Atlantis, Paradise Island Bahamas. As I gazed out at the clear, deep blue sea and a smattering of thong-beachwear, I thought of the Badgers. I thought to myself what pain it would be to not be able to hear who won the big Purdue/UW game until our return to Arizona. I thought to myself perhaps it would be best to not witness what many experts believe will be Wisconsin's first loss.  I thought to myself the thong could possibly be the best invention of the modern era when used correctly. Much to my surprise the game was on television, courtesy of ESPN Vivo. The broadcast is in English and the commercials are in Spanish. Very interesting. So we watched the Badgers. I am too tired to write anything else. I had intentions of telling you how impressive/fortunate that victory was. I had intentions of sharing my feelings of jublilation that Purdue got what was coming to them and that stupid Subway-addicted kicker should make cutsie, self-promoting television segments after he actually makes more than one important kick each year. Just can't do it. I am going to bed.  Congrats on a great win. What now? Should I make reservations for Pasadena or Orange Bowl. I know you don't like to talk that way. Destiny is knocking on our door. And I bet she's wearing a thong. In Reply: You have e-mail on a ship?  You are on a cruise ship in the Caribbean and you are spending time e-mailing?  Where are your priorities?  I thought the Badgers were lucky, but not as lucky as you are. Imagine being on a thong-saturated cruise ship and finding out that not only does the ship have thongs, it has cable, and La Dos (that's Spanish for The Deuce, which is Sportsfan for ESPN2) is part of the package. You must have realized that your good fortune was an omen that foretold a Badgers victory. I suppose that next you will tell me the game was telecast in high definition on a 90-inch screen and you could go to the dining room during time outs and get brats served by thong-clad wait staff. Glad you got to see this astounding victory from your remote locale. Hope you are getting some much-deserved warm weather relief from your usual frigid existence in Phoenix. Just curious, why would desert people go on cruises when they could just go outside? Unless . . . maybe it has something to do with those thongs. By the way, I do hope, for everyone’s sake, when you talk so lovingly of thongs, you talk of seeing them, not wearing them.

From:  Bruce Lagman   At some point I will review your new website.  For now let me tell you the graphics are incredible, site content is mesmerizing and links to really cool porn sites helpful.  It is a clear and detailed reflection of your personality. By the way, if you mistakenly type www.nothingbuttiron.com you are really in for an adventure.  It is both interesting and engaging.   You better warn your readership of this possibility now that you are going big time. Perhaps a quick memo to Vice President Cheney to prevent an FCC fine and loss of 25 Nextel Winston Miller John Deere Dickies Skoal Cup Series points. Let me know if you win an award for your website.

From Eric Evans:   Cool NBI web site, but I can tell you are an amateur at this web site stuff:  no PopUp advertisements for low home mortgage rates, Viagra or political candidates.  Best of luck to the Badgers this weekend.  tOSU is beatable, but amazingly lucky.  Hope you have a 2-touchdown lead, minimum by the 4th quarter as you may need it by the end.  I'll skip the jokes about not choking.