Nothing But Iron: Poor Eagle by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. January 8, 2006 First I should explain Poor Eagle, otherwise a whole bunch of people with think it’s some kind of inside joke shared only by elite NBI readers. Truth is, you are all elite. Auburn’s battle cry is War Eagle. War rhymes with poor. Get it? Next question: Why do the Auburn Tigers use War Eagle as a battle cry? It is true that Auburn’s mascot is a tiger, and not an eagle or even a politically inappropriate native American tribe, so this doesn’t make sense, except that it is definitely more sophisticated to walk by an Auburn tailgating buddy and say War Eagle, than it is to roar. Somebody asked me to explain why Wisconsin, after beating Auburn in the Really Good Credit Card Bowl, was ranked No. 15, just behind No. 14 Auburn in the final USA Today and AP polls of the season. At first glance this looks to be a real Soduku, but I, as an expert amateur sportswriter have not one, but several answers, or at least responses to the apparent conundrum: 1) This was news to me. It did not occur to me to look at the final rankings, because it did not occur to me that it mattered. 2) Contrary to common misconception, a higher poll standing does not indicate a better team. It indicates a more popular team. Remember, polls are generated by voters. It is often not enough to conclusively beat the higher-ranked team on an actual playing field; a team must campaign effectively as well. I believe that Auburn had a stronger platform–vote for us and we will control inflation, or something like that. 3) How many times have we seen teams move down in the polls after winning or up in the polls after a bye week? 4) We tolerate and sometimes even embrace the so-called logic of a rating system based on computer data and voters’ whims to select the two teams to receive berths in a one-game playoff for the national championship. Why wouldn’t Wisconsin be ranked worse than Auburn? 5) 24-10. 6) 24-10. 7) 24-10. Weeks ago, when Wisconsin suffered yet another regular-season-ending loss to Iowa, it seemed that the perfect ending had eluded Barry Alvarez. We know now that I made that proclamation prematurely. Sometimes the perfect ending sneaks up on you. I talked to a couple Cap One fans who had reluctantly returned from Florida’s 80-degree temperatures. They described what we Rose Bowl veterans know as Bruin syndrome–a pungent, impenetrable arrogance that radiates from groups of fans whose allegiance is to the favored team. It is treatable only by a good ass whoopin’. Auburn fans thought it a foregone conclusion that the game would be a rout. They were right. Brian Calhoun’s jukes and bursts, en route to a 213-yard day, inspired the invention of a new phrase: went video, as in Calhoun went video on that linebacker. It’s a reference to some of the crazy moves I have seen watching players in my kids’ Playstation football games. Calhoun got the MVP, but it could have easily gone to John Stocco or Brandon Williams or the entire Wisconsin defense, which played as if its once-patchwork defense had, in a month’s time, become a Kevlar vest. Stocco was as poised under pressure as I have ever seen him. Williams was Williams. Word is that we have shared in Calhoun’s glory for the last time. My son Patrick says there are too many good running backs flooding the market from Calhoun to leave early, but Patrick is 15. He understands economics in the context of $8 dollar movie tickets. Add six decimal places, and the answer comes into clear focus. Like Devin Harris before him, Calhoun can’t afford to stay in school. What is not clear, with Booker Stanley’s purported off-field troubles, is who will assume this critical role next year. We’ll worry about that after basketball season. Offensive tackle Joe Thomas won’t have the option of coming out early. While that could be good news for the Badgers, who will likely get him back next year after he rehabs his ACL injury, what a disappointment it must be for Thomas, who suffered the injury while filling in on defense. I hope he knows how much we fans appreciate his willingness to help his team. Don’t confuse my elation over Wisconsin’s defeat of Auburn with my condoning of bowl game nonsense in general. Here are two letters I sent Sports Illustrated. I wrote two because I couldn’t decide which one they would like better. Neither has a snowball’s chance in Madison of being published, so I share them with you in this exclusive NBI offering: Letter 1: In the blinding bliss of this week's fortuitous college football match-ups, let's remember that the biggest winners are not the Longhorns and the biggest losers are not the Trojans. No, the biggest winners are the sponsors of the Bowl Championship Series. The biggest losers are the fans and players of Division I college football, which, in its intractable condition of playoff denial, has yet to elucidate a true champion. Letter 2: Texas might be the best team in the country, but I can't prove that because there are excellent teams that never got a chance to prove otherwise. What can be said with certainty is that the sponsors of the Bowl Championship Series have never fared better. Congratulations to these sponsors on a great season. In case you wonder about snowball’s chances in Madison these days, just about every flake of December’s white-for-a-change Christmas is gone. It melted the week after New Years, just like USC’s unbeaten streak. I told myself I would boycott the Rose Bowl on principle, proving that I am an unprincipled liar. Despite its illegitimate origins, the match-up was too good to ignore. I admit, I was entertained. I was thrilled. I was stunned. At times I was stunned by the sheer boneheadedness of the events: 1) Reggie Bush’s foiled desperation lateral, 2) Coach Pete Carroll’s (arrogant?) fourth-down try late in the fourth quarter, 3) USC burning its final time out on Texas’s two-point conversion. Dumbest of all was losing quarterback Matt Leinert’s post-game comment: "I still think we're a better football team." Note to Matt: Are not. Are not. I have said it many times before, but it bears repeating: The beauty of sports is that the team with the most points is the better team. That’s by definition. It’s irrefutable. At least this holds when people of supposed higher learning don’t inhibit the logical process of opponents actually playing one and other. Dumb wasn’t exclusive to the Rose Bowl, I watched the interview with Capital One big shot, Joe Bill Whatshisname (name changed to protect the reputation of sportswriters who fail to take good notes). The interviewer asked what it means for Capital One to host this game. Joe Bill had the audacity to say, "It’s not about what we get out of it, but what we give back to the community." Cough-bullshit-cough. Gesundheit. If any of you believe that, I have some soon-to-be very valuable autographed photos of Mike Sherman for your investment portfolios. I have got to give credit to Whathisname; he actually said this with a straight face. Only the dollar signs flashing in his eyeballs betrayed his true motivations. Thank you, Nittany Lions, for beating Florida State in the Orange Bowl. The Seminoles, who have the most annoying repetitive chant this side of Hail to the Victors, deserved a loss for lack of creativity and originality. Nice job, Joe Pa. I was one who thought your program was washed up. Thanks for proving me wrong. It’s worth it. I have more opinions on football–thoughts on Sherman’s firing, Favre’s retiring, Bielemma’s new role, Ferentz’s candidacy. Ferentz gets his own article (see Beam Him Up, Scotty). Briefly, I’ll just say that Favre, if healthy, will struggle mightily with spectator status. He’s like the never-surrender armless, soon-to-be-legless, Black Knight in the Monty Python movie (assist Walter Dewey, I think). It’s only a flesh wound. In the interest of preventing sleep deprivation, I’ll allow basketball season its inevitable encroachment . . . The best thing about Wisconsin beating Michigan State in Sunday’s game at the Kohl Center, besides enjoying the disgusted look on Tom Izzo’s face, is the comfort I get knowing the Badgers are not likely to take the win out of context. Winning this game and beating Iowa in the season opener are not about national rankings or claims of frontrunner status in the Big Ten race. In fact the meaning of these victories won’t be known until the end of the season, when they can be considered as small components of a mission that will have been successful or not successful. Ryan teaches that concept well. No doubt his players know that a long season in a tough conference awaits them. Disclaimers given, I do like the way this Wisconsin team is growing. A few rough spots persist–like wayward free throw shooting and occasional defensive lapses, but these are beginning to be overshadowed by a toughness, intensity, confidence and cohesiveness that, to outsiders, must seem strange for a team with four new starters and a youthful cast of key reservists like Michael Flowers, Greg Stiemsma, Marcus Landry and Joe Krabbenhoft. Yeah, it is early, but I like our chances. ____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. ©2006 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.