Nothing But Iron: Beam Him Up, Scotty by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. January 8, 2006 Captain’s Log, star date 2006. We have unintentionally intercepted an alien transmission. Ship’s computers determined, erroneously, that the message was intended for me, Captain James T. Kirk. The actual recipient is Coach Kirk Ferentz. Our bad. A transcript of the message follows: Dear Kirk: I am writing to tell you to please stay at Iowa. It is safe there. You are surrounded by talented players and fans dressed in gold who adore the ground you walk on. And corn. You are surrounded by succulent golden corn. Moreover, college football is straightforward enough that you really get it. The NFL, on the other hand, is an incomprehensible state of anarchy that chews up guys like you, a mere college coach, and spits them out unceremoniously. Sure there is a rare Nick Saban (assist, that know-it-all Feller) out there who lucks out with an occasional winning season, but 9-7 is about as close to the Super Bowl as Saban will ever get. Stay tuned, Nick will be hanging out in Hawaii with June and Jerry soon enough. I hear the Rainbow Warriors need a special teams coach. Truth is, Kirk, as good as you are at coaching amateur football, you don’t have what it takes to be a head coach in the NFL. Yeah, you dabbled in pro ball before you got a job more in line with your abilities, but being a pro head coach is a whole lot different than being a pro helper coach. As the head coach you will suffer constant scrutiny from fans, media and probably even your family. Your players will think they know it all, and even if they know squat, a lot of them will make more money in a year than you will in any abbreviated tenure you might have as their coach. What I’m try to say is this: As challenges go the NFL to you is like the Rose Bowl to Minnesota. Ain’t happening. If you are smart, and you are smart, at least for a college coach, you will ignore that misleading voice in your head that says, "I am worthy." Are not. Are not. My advice is to run, don’t walk, to your favorite hiding spot in Iowa City, and stay there until the firing–I mean the hiring stops. Not a day will go by in all the rest of your life when you won’t wonder if you had the mettle to coach with football’s elite, but it will be worth it to preserve the comfortable worry-free life you have made for yourself as head Hawkeye. And just so you know, I really do think you are inadequate. This letter is so not some backhanded attempt to actually motivate you to leave, written by, for example, by a diehard Wisconsin Badgers fan, who, for the past three years has had recurring nightmares about black and yellow birds of prey pecking out his eyeballs, nor is it at all related to the likelihood that any or all opposing Big Ten team’s best interests would be well served by a gross disruption of Iowa’s coaching staff. That is not an issue anyway, because your job would be quickly filled by a very capable former NFL head coach. There are lots of them now. In short, I just hate to see you waste your time. Sincerely, Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. Not a fan of any particular Big Ten team   P.S. Steve Spurrier says hi. _____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. Sometimes it is a letter in the form of a fake intergalactic transmission. ©2006 DrTM Enterprises. All Rights Reserved.