Nothing But Iron: Twenty-six Above Zero by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W., Blogesthesiologist September 12, 2006 There is a difference between inept and ineffective. Inept is when you drop a can of paint on the living room carpeting. Ineffective is when you lack the strength to pry the lid off the paint can. Save for two episodes–a blown pass coverage leading to a Bears touchdown and a botched punt coverage with the same ugly result–the Packers were far more ineffective than inept. The problem on defense was not that the Packers couldn’t stop the Bears, but that it could not stop them soon enough. As exhibit B, I submit four Robbie Gould field goals, any of which could have won the game unassisted. It wasn’t that the offense couldn’t get first downs, it just couldn’t string enough of them together to make an entire drive. Maybe that’s an under-simplification, relative to the common version–that the Packers just suck–but having endured the game in person at great financial and modest emotional cost, with my only reward a more-than-adequate $7 halftime hamburger, I get to have whatever opinion I want, and unless you were there too, you have to agree with me. I lied about the hamburger being my only reward. I did share in the excitement of my son Patrick and his friend Joe as they made use of our end zone tickets as part of Patrick’s 16th birthday present. Joe is an absolute nut about the Packers, and Patrick is a fan by birth. I got some pictures of the boys enjoying the venue and pretending to enjoy the game. They were pretty convincing. Before the game I ran in to my good friends Jim and Aimee Ebben. We had a nice chat. I got to see my mother-in-law Sandy and my sister-in-law Erin, and I sat with my brother-in-law Doug and my neighbor-in-law Giff and my friend-in-law Scott. I saw my niece Taylor and my nephew Troy, and I got cheap gas in Oshkosh, and I got a Snack Wrap with ranch dressing at the McDonalds in Waupan. So the day was far from a total loss. Comment from radio guy: "They were clueless." NBI reply: No, not really. There were plenty of clues, but all of them pointed to inexperience and lack of talent. The two often go hand in hand. Comment from fan: "That (play calling) was not a bit creative." NBI reply: It’s easy to be creative when you have talent. I doubt that Salvador Dali (5-8, 145) himself could have painted with these brushes. Remember, it’s not a crime to lack talent. It might be a crime to hire a former Vikings player, but we’ll see. So how many games will the Packers win? The prevailing notion, based on what I heard from a rather disgusted Doug was zero. At this time I can’t offer any reasonable contradiction, but Doug is still wrong. Not that I can stick to my original prediction: The Packers will win five games easily, but it won’t be a goose egg. My five-wins prediction was based on the mathematical premise that the probability (in the era of parity-enhancing draft orders and free agency) of a team having back-to-back seasons of four wins or fewer, is 1 in 32,439. I did the calculation in my head, so it might be off by a few million or more. Factoring in the week 1 observations and dividing by 3.1417, my modified prediction is that the Packers will win five games. With great difficulty. You calling me an optimist? I have been called worse. Like that time I was called a pessimist. Will I return to Lambeau Field this year? Of course. The burgers are good, gas prices continue to fall and I have relatives in the area. Besides, my tickets may be hard to sell. At least the Badgers won. It has been said that one cannot tell much from games against junior colleges, however, I disagree. It’s easy: A Big Ten Conference title contender would have beaten Western Illinois 55-3. An average Big Ten team would have won 34-10. A bad team would have lost, or won by less than a touchdown. After the debut of that NFL counterpart to the north, we can be pretty happy about average Badgers. I won’t say that the Badgers will continue to be average. Every year the experts talk in surprised tones about some team that grew up during the season. What if the Badgers are to be that team? I am for that. Doug says Wisconsin will finish 8-4. Much of that is based on perceived weakness of schedule. Doug actually had a schedule in his wallet, and I have to say, even the paper on which it was printed looked a little flimsy. I say 7-5, which is based on not wanting to say exactly the same thing as Doug and knowing the 9-3 is dumb, but acceptable if it actually happens. I should point out that the Badgers are 2-0 and tied for the lead in the SCNC (So-Called National Championship, a.k.a. BCS) race with Ohio State, which may or may not be the No. 1 team in the country, but it is definitely better than Texas. UW Bright spots: 1) Taylor Melhaff, kicker. He is kicking long and straight. I would encourage him to continue this. 2) John Stocco, QB. Stocco looks poised, as one might expect of a senior QB coming off an excellent season. Stocco’s challenge will be developing new targets from a loaf of bread and a single fish (extremely rare NBI Biblical reference) and securing protection in the pocket. The O-line is gigantic, so hopefully it will soon gel into a gigantic gelatinous protective mass. 3) PJ Hill, running back. Definite star potential. Tough kid. He will thrill us. We will cheer. His full first name is Pajama. 4) Paul Hubbard, receiver. He made some tough grabs. Leads the Badgers with six career catches. Has there been a less-experienced receiving corps in the history of college football? No, not since 1869 when the very first game in the history of college football was played. 5) The defense was a little too poriferous (cool thesauronym, just had to use it) at times, but did manage to cause some turnovers. Turnovers are good because they make the other team mad. Sorry if I missed anyone. What I did not write about, but intend to write about in the next issue, was the U.S. Open.–the one that Tiger Woods has visited, but never won. I was there last week, long before Tiger got there, yet he got on TV and all I got was a free subway pass from American Express. I have much to tell, but you will have to wait because I am tired. For now I will tease you by sharing the secret of winning tennis, as revealed to me by the likes of Maria Sharapova, Andy Roddick and Roger Federer: Avoid the net and keep the ball between the white lines on the other half of the court at all times. I look forward to applying this knowledge soon. _____________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column, whose author would like to have more time to write more things, or at least proofread, but has to be content with the inadequate amount of time he has, because sportswriting is a non-income producing pursuit unless his readers tire of free sportswriting and start spontaneously paying for this stuff. This issue is dedicated to Patrick on his 16th birthday and to brother Mike and step-dad Ken, even though the latter is a stinkin’ Bears fan, on their 40-somethingth and 80-somethingth birthdays, respectively. ©2006 DrTM Enterprises. All rights reserved.