Nothing But Iron: Blue’s Clues September 20, 2006 by Steven R. Lagman, M.D., C.A.S.W. Pardon any liberties I might inadvertently take with English language or spelling. I am recovering from a night of acute pager-induced insomnia. This is far more an observation than a complaint. I find my non-literary day job as an anesthesiologist to be quite rewarding, even at night. Moreover, I have this irrational fear that if I complain I might be suddenly stricken with seven centimeters dilated and contractions every two to three minutes. By virtue of observation from a safe distance (Patrick and Connor being the two prominent exceptions) I can give you my opinion that labor pain hurts a lot. I have great respect for anyone who would purposely have a baby. I often tell my patients, as they express gratitude for my role in their new-found pain relief, that the only heroes here are the moms. Still, there are weak moments in the wee hours–moments when the perceived weight of my eyelids exceeds that of a typical newborn–when I fantasize about ways to increase of my allotment of sleep. Last night I thought of writing a couple pseudo-informational books on methods of pain relief during childbirth. The first occurred to me at 2:37 a.m. after 21 consecutive minutes of pager quiescence. It is a comprehensive text about advanced breathing techniques, underwater aroma therapy and the incorporation of organic produce during childbirth. It is entitled The Joys of Natural Childbirth: Your Profoundly Sleep-Deprived Unnatural Anesthesiologist and You. The second came in a foggy vision at 4:01 a.m. while I was trying to figure out how to get my feet back into my socks. It is an illustrated booklet about complications associated with labor epidurals called The Biggest Damm Needle You Ever Saw. Of course childbirth is not a sport. Sport would not be worthy to include childbirth in its realm. NBI, however, is a sports column, so let’s move on to topics of lesser import. There are reasons why the Michigan Wolverines will not beat the Badgers by a score of 52-0 on Saturday. I’ll get to those in a bit, but first, I include multiple observations that do not support such optimism: 1) Michigan beat Notre Dame last Saturday. At Notre Dame, exclamation point. At the time, Notre Dame was purportedly the second-best team in the nation, so this was a big deal; when you beat the purported second-best team in the nation, you get to be the purported sixth-best team in the nation. Allegedly. The Irish were beaten so badly that they–with the same uniforms, same players and same coaches–suddenly became just the purported twelfth-best team in the country. Complex math indeed, partly because weekly rankings are calculated using formulas that involve mathematical symbols resembling figures in cave drawings. Trust me, it’s logical. 2) Michigan has fourteen senior starters. This seniority will ultimately benefit Wisconsin, but not until the 2008 season when these Seniors are playing in the NFL or working in car washes. 3) No current UW player has ever played in Michigan Stadium. That’s because the Big Ten in its finite wisdom, does not allow each team to play each of the other teams in the conference in each season. That’s logical too, but I am not credentialed to say why. I sometimes imagine myself, as a freshman or sophomore in college, running, for the first time, onto the Big House’s Big Field where 99.97% of the 500,000 fans cheer for me as if I am Saddam Hussein’s court-appointed attorney. The daydream ends when I try to explain that the liquid running down my pant leg is really from a faulty drinking fountain in the locker room. 4) Michigan allows rushing yardage like banks pay interest on checking accounts. PJ Hill’s chance of another hundred-yard game will be greatly enhanced if he has 120 or more carries. So why is it that Wisconsin will not lose 52-0? 1) It is really hard to predict an exact score like 52-0 because there are so many other numbers, for example, 48-0, 42-3, 3.1416-0, etc. It can be said with certainty that neither team will finish the game with just one point, but outside of that, guessing the exact score is worse than a crap shoot. 2) Perplexing, inexplicable events occur in college football games that cause people to utter phrases like, Hmmmm and Go figure and That makes me want to scratch my head and Hey, did you hear the Badgers knocked off Michigan on a last-second field goal from 54 yards out? This sort of thing happens every year somewhere. I think I predict that something perplexing will happen Saturday. 3) Michigan players are so happy about their win over the Falling Irish that they will have forgotten how last year’s loss to the Badgers contributed to their crappy season. No really, that could happen. 4) Rain, the great equalizer. 5) Wisconsin’s defense will dig deep and assert itself causing Michigan to become an emotional mess–a shell of its once-confident Irish-killing self. 6) An early UW special-teams score will stun the crowd, causing entire city blocks of Michigan fans to go mute. 7) Due to miscalculations Wisconsin is actually the purported occult 26th-best team in the country, which means that 3.1416 % of the time, it could beat the purported 6th-best team. If that does happen, then Michigan will be unmasked as really being just the purported 15th-best team and teams ranked in the second-tier are not really that hard to beat. Trust me, it’s logical. I am playing a very important 3.0 (out of a possible 7.0) tennis match that runs concurrently with the start of the football game. Since my match is not televised I plan to play that in real time and see the football game on TiVo, so please do not tell me what happened in the latter because I have this sense that my knowledge of the outcome could somehow change the outcome. For example, lets say that Wisconsin wins, but I have not yet seen the recorded footage of the game, and you tell me Wisconsin won. When I watch it, they might end up actually losing. Or they might still win, but I might be sad instead of happy. It’s not a risk I am willing to take. So, if you know what happened, don’t say anything. If you can’t help yourself, tell me you are about to say something and I will plug my ears and say La La La La La La La La La like they do on Seinfeld. _______________ Nothing But Iron is an amateur sports column. Good night. ©2006 DrTM Enterprise. All rights reserved.